Red Sox reliever Eric Gagné is not popular in Boston these days. His atrocious performance down the stretch was bad enough. Then, he started pulling that shit in the playoffs. Saturday’s 11th-inning meltdown found fans from Waterville to Woonsocket yelling at their televisions. Which is too bad. As someone who proudly shares Gagné’s French-Canadian heritage, I was pulling for him from the moment he got here. Not anymore. Lately, I’ve just been swearing a lot.
But English-language contumely pales in comparison with the earthy, verbose derision often on display in Gagné’s native tongue. In idiomatic Québecois, one is not told to fuck off. One is told, va péter dans les fleurs (“go fart in the flowers”) or, va te faire enculer chez les Grecs (“go get screwed by the Greeks”). If someone in Montreal is speaking with a snooty Parisian accent, they’re asked, pourquoi tu parles en trou de cul de poule? (“Why do you speak as if your mouth was the ass of a chicken?”)
It may be too little too late — at press time, the Red Sox were down three games to one — but, on the off chance that he ever throws another pitch for the team, or fails to somehow redeem himself in the ALCS, here (with help from a father and sister who speak better French than I do) is a handy English-Québecois phrase book to help you tell Eric Gagné how you really feel.
Va pisser derrière le Monstre Vert. (Go take a leak in the Green Monster.)
On dirait de ton physique que tu t’es empiffré des “chiens chauds” Fenway. (Your physique would suggest that you’ve eaten far too many Fenway Franks.)
Tu devrais essayer de tremper la balle dans la poutine? (Maybe you should try doctoring the ball with poutine gravy?)
En français, “gagner” ça veut dire “réussir,” alors en québécois “Gagné” ça veut dire le contraire? (In French, “gagner” means to “to win.” In Québecois, does “Gagné” mean the opposite?)
Tu lances la balle si pauvrement que même Johnny Pesky pourrait te forcer à la piste d’avertissement. (You throw the ball so poorly that Johnny Pesky could take you to the warning track.)
La première tâche de Jerry Remy en tant que président de la Nation des Red Sox devrait être de t’envoyer a l’équivalent de Guantánamo Bay pour les joueurs de base-ball. (Jerry Remy’s first task as president of Red Sox Nation should be to send you to the baseball equivalent of Guantánamo Bay.)
Tu nous rends désireux de Calvin Schiraldi. (You make us miss Calvin Schiraldi.)
Baise le gros cul vert poilu de Wally. (Go and kiss Wally’s fat, furry green ass.)