Dirty democracy

By JAMES PARKER  |  December 17, 2008

Mrs. Maureen Sampson



Dear Lloyd,

I am unable to climax unless I'm watching a video of myself climaxing. But I'm having trouble making this video. See my problem?


I do. You've got yourself a real chicken-and-egg situation there, Helpless. Try shooting some footage of yourself not climaxing and then watching it backward, at high speed.


Dear Lloyd,

I have slept with all four of my aunts on my mother's side, and two out of three on my father's. The last aunt, the one I haven't slept with, is an attractive and sensual woman in her mid 60s, but last week we got into a big argument about Sarah Palin. I think that Governor Palin is the future of the Republican Party and my aunt, the one I haven't slept with, says that she "can't even speak English." Will we ever get over this ideological divide?

Aunt Lover

I see great role-playing potential here, Aunt. Keep the dialogue going, and at a certain point — you'll know when — start talking like Joe the Plumber. Ask her if she's interested in "spreading the wealth." And if your saucy old aunt is half the girl I think she is, she'll blink twice and then come back at you in the voice of Hillary Clinton. After that, it's sweet bipartisanship all the way!


Dear Lloyd,

What do you think of Dr. Frank Needham, the "sex doctor"? I'm thinking about getting one of his Pheromonal Amplification procedures, so that when I start rubbing up against somebody on the T they don't shout at me and take pictures with their cell phone.

Totally Wants A Nice Girl

The PA procedure is controversial, TWANG, as well as expensive. A friend of mine had it done last year and now he smells like tuna all the time. But I feel for you, bro — the rubbing lifestyle is a challenging one. If I were you, I'd just dress a bit nicer and pretend you're dancing to your iPod.


Dear Lloyd,

They say that powerful men have high sex drives, which is why they go to expensive madams and escort services. But I have no power at all, and I go to expensive madams and escort services all the time. Or I would, if I had any money.


Yes, the relationship between libido and high office is very complicated. As is the relationship between libido and no office. I guess that's why people keep writing me letters! See you next time!

James Parker is not Lloyd Loving. Still, he can be reached at jparker@phx.com.

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