Dirty democracy

By JAMES PARKER  |  December 17, 2008

Mrs. Maureen Sampson

Next.

***

Dear Lloyd,

I am unable to climax unless I'm watching a video of myself climaxing. But I'm having trouble making this video. See my problem?

Helpless

I do. You've got yourself a real chicken-and-egg situation there, Helpless. Try shooting some footage of yourself not climaxing and then watching it backward, at high speed.

***

Dear Lloyd,

I have slept with all four of my aunts on my mother's side, and two out of three on my father's. The last aunt, the one I haven't slept with, is an attractive and sensual woman in her mid 60s, but last week we got into a big argument about Sarah Palin. I think that Governor Palin is the future of the Republican Party and my aunt, the one I haven't slept with, says that she "can't even speak English." Will we ever get over this ideological divide?

Aunt Lover

I see great role-playing potential here, Aunt. Keep the dialogue going, and at a certain point — you'll know when — start talking like Joe the Plumber. Ask her if she's interested in "spreading the wealth." And if your saucy old aunt is half the girl I think she is, she'll blink twice and then come back at you in the voice of Hillary Clinton. After that, it's sweet bipartisanship all the way!

***

Dear Lloyd,

What do you think of Dr. Frank Needham, the "sex doctor"? I'm thinking about getting one of his Pheromonal Amplification procedures, so that when I start rubbing up against somebody on the T they don't shout at me and take pictures with their cell phone.

Totally Wants A Nice Girl

The PA procedure is controversial, TWANG, as well as expensive. A friend of mine had it done last year and now he smells like tuna all the time. But I feel for you, bro — the rubbing lifestyle is a challenging one. If I were you, I'd just dress a bit nicer and pretend you're dancing to your iPod.

***

Dear Lloyd,

They say that powerful men have high sex drives, which is why they go to expensive madams and escort services. But I have no power at all, and I go to expensive madams and escort services all the time. Or I would, if I had any money.

RandomGuy

Yes, the relationship between libido and high office is very complicated. As is the relationship between libido and no office. I guess that's why people keep writing me letters! See you next time!

James Parker is not Lloyd Loving. Still, he can be reached at jparker@phx.com.

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