What kind of Trosexual are you?

 33 newly discovered sexual sub-species uncovered by the truly exhausted Phoenix staff
By PHOENIX STAFF  |  January 26, 2009

* Someone who uses social networking sites to hook up with past cohorts: RETROSEXUAL

Are you a retrosexual? Facebook's new erotic application. By Deirdre Fulton.

Fretrosexuals: Reconnecting can be fraught with peril. By Jeff Inglis.

* Someone who likes to eat cake, among other things: MARIE ANTOINETTE–TROSEXUAL

* Someone who fetishistically wears awful Hawaiian shirts during coitus: JIMMY BUFFETT–TROSEXUAL

* Someone who pleases his partner because he couldn't pay for dinner: DEBTROSEXUAL

* Someone who wants to bang a Dylan impersonator: CATE BLANCHETT–TROSEXUAL

* Someone who needs to climax at high altitudes, then turns into a ladybug: TIBETROSEXUAL

* Someone with whom sex is electric: OUTLETROSEXUAL

* Someone who attracts more partners than can be satisfied: MAGNETROSEXUAL

* Someone with whom a Uranus joke is a forgone conclusion: PLANETROSEXUAL

* Someone who knows all the strings to pull: MARIONETTE-TROSEXUAL

* Someone with whom dirty pillow talk is especially disconcerting: TOURETTE-TROSEXUAL

* Someone who rather prefers the intimacy of a Cell-Block D: JOLIETROSEXUAL

* A tease who forever makes you keep your pants on: NOT-YETROSEXUAL

* Someone who can handle any position: PIROUETTE-TROSEXUAL

* Someone who's startlingly quick in bed: JETROSEXUAL

* Someone who finds their sexual rhythm in John Phillip Sousa marches: CADETROSEXUAL

* Someone who enjoys risky, dangerous weapon play in the sack: BAYONETROSEXUAL

* Someone who is particularly titillated by patriotic French ditties: ALOUETTE-TROSEXUAL

* Someone who, for whatever reason, is actually stimulated by Woody Allen: CLARINETROSEXUAL

* Someone for whom the pleasant aroma of French cooking is an aphrodisiac: CRÊPES SUZETTE–TROSEXUAL

* Someone who reaches new sexual heights by watching Bob Newhart reruns: SUZANNE PLESHETTE–TROSEXUAL

* Someone who gets their rocks off in a small, confined galley: KITCHENETTE-TROSEXUAL

* Someone who almost always bets on black . . . or red: ROULETTE-TROSEXUAL

* Someone who is forever adding extra partners to a threesome: STRING-QUARTETROSEXUAL

* A critically lauded entertainer who constantly needs to be reminded of the adulation of his peers — and has just the blunt object to help out: STATUETTE-TROSEXUAL

* Someone who is woefully behind in the technology he uses to create bedroom ambience: CASSETTE-TROSEXUAL

* Someone possibly lacking in other areas who can use a loaf of bread to make up the difference: BAGUETTE-TROSEXUAL

* Someone who knows quite well how to toss your salad: VINAIGRETTE-TROSEXUAL

* Someone who can put themselves in a dither with the help of Charo: CASTANE-TROSEXUAL

* Someone who, on a given night, has their choice of male, female, or transgender partner: ARQUETTE-TROSEXUAL

* Someone whose bedroom activities are enhanced when modulated with the soothing voice of geriatric Middle East correspondents: PETER ARNETT–TROSEXUAL

* Someone who likes to party pretty much like it's 1999, but in the back of cramped vanity vehicles: LITTLE-RED-CORVETTE-TROSEXUAL

* Someone who, thanks to the largess of oil barons, is never short of lubricant: PETROSEXUAL

Related: Slow + steady, Sex Drive, Poetic ecstasy, More more >
  Topics: Lifestyle Features , Culture and Lifestyle, Woody Allen, Relationships,  More more >
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