Learning opportunities
Then there's Vulva University, which offers classes on the orgasm, g-spot, etc., though no degrees seem to be offered — yet. The San Francisco (which is apparently where fun lives) organization also sell Wondrous Vulva Puppets, which are produced in Manchay, a small village in Peru, in a free-trade exchange that includes sex education gratis. For a personal touch (and we do mean that), creator Dorrie Lane will adorn your velvety plush vulva with semi-precious stones or essential fragrances (if you catch our drift). Lane also offers to wrap the WVPs in a meaningful fabric of your choosing. Suggestions on the Web site include: "A wedding dress, baby outfit, Grandma's dress or quilt." Yeah, nothing brings comfort like a vulva puppet made out of grandma's gardening jumper.

By the numbers
According to the 1948 and 1953 Kinsey reports, 92 percent of men reported that they masturbated (and the other eight percent lied), as did 62 percent of females. Of course, 45 percent of those females who said yes (yes . . . yes . . . yes . . . ) added that they could orgasm in an impressive three minutes. In the 1950s, circumcision rose in popularity because it was believed that too much foreskin made sex too pleasurable, making for masturbation obsession. Unfortunately, it turns out that the root cause of desire to masturbate was having a penis in the first place.

Today, while the number of men reporting their self-love has gone up only marginally, to 95 percent, women proudly owning their one-on-one time has shot up to 89 percent. Chaka Khan!

Closer to God
Funny enough, the Christian Right's James Dobson said, "It is my opinion that masturbation is not much of an issue with God." And if the idea of Dobson whacking off isn't a turn-on, we frankly can't help you. For added amusement, check out this un-ironically titled biblical Web site: layhands.com/ismasturbationasin.htm

Nothin' but mammals
Speaking of getting horny, how about those damn bonobos? With their rampant orgies and frequent female self-pleasuring, who doesn't want to devolve? But primates aren't the only mammals strokin' it up. Elephants use their trunks. Dolphins rub up against seaweed. And killer whales, well . . . that's a bit of a mystery (it's been awhile since we rented Free Willy), but some scientists claim it happens. Though birds don't have the typical naughty bits to fondle, some males will apparently rub their cloaca (reproductive gland) against objects until ejaculation.

Call it what you will . . .
MALE Arguing with Henry Longfellow, badgering the witness, beating the bishop, burping the worm, choking Kojak, charming the snake, cleaning the rifle, cuddling the kielbasa, draining the monster, fishing with dynamite, making the bald man cry, nulling the void, paddling the pickle, pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap, ramming the ham, shaking hands with Abe Lincoln, smiting the pink knight, visiting with Papa Smurf, wrestling the eel

FEMALE Yanking the ya-ya, wading in the Bermuda Triangle, two-finger taco tango, tickling the little man in the boat, soaking the whisker biscuit, quackling the queen, polishing the peanut, playing the banjo, buffin' the muffin, ménage à moi, letting the beaver swim, hitchhiking under the big top, greasing the gash, flicking the bean, driving Miss Daisy, creamin' the pie, buttering your bagel, buffing the weasel, airing the orchid, unbuttoning the fur coat

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