The gourmet
How to identify Constant real-time bragging about what he ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner — often with photos — distinguishes this foodie from mere mortals. Snags hard-to-get reservations; gloats.
What to do when you spot one Write a naughty caption beneath the photo of his hand-sculpted terrine tower.
The drunk
How to identify Nocturnal status updates are the norm here. The sentiments are usually nonsensical, vindictive, rife with spelling errors, or all three.
What to do when you spot one Hold back — the hangover and drunk-dialing regret will be punishment enough.
The married single man
How to identify This guy is married, but you wouldn't know it. He doesn't acknowledge a relationship status on his profile; there are no smiling couple shots, no references to a wife. He posts photos of himself with younger women.
What to do when you spot one Write flagrantly on his wall, "Happy anniversary to you and Margaret!" and "Give your lovely wife a big smooch for me!" Then watch his friend numbers rapidly decrease.
The pregnant lady
How to identify What, the sonogram profile photo didn't give it away?
What to do when you spot one Rush out to your nearest convenience store and purchase condoms.
Kara Baskin is a Failed Model looking for a Married Single Man. She can be reached at kbaskin@phx.com.
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