See all in Dr Love Monkey

See all in Dr Love Monkey

Dr Love Monkey

A kiddie-diddling riddle

DON’T WEIGH IN

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m a 19-year-old woman who is a size 12 — not obese, just “curvy” (or Rubenesque). I’ve been eating better and have recently lost a few pounds. I wasn’t working on it but I did lose some weight. Let me tell you what I find irritating: people keep coming up to me and saying “You’ve lost weight!” I know that this is meant to be a compliment and I usually respond by saying “thank you” and then changing the subject. Can you think of a polite way to inform these well-intentioned individuals that, while I appreciate the “compliment,” I’m perfectly happy with my body, as it is. Is “You’ve lost weight” now a big compliment? Wasn’t there a time when losing a noticeable amount of weight meant one was sick? Just so you’ll know, I started eating better not to lose weight but to stop myself from a developing habit where I was snacking on junk food on a regular basis. Thanks for any advice you might have.

-J.S.

Dear J.S.,

No doubt, the modern-day greeting, “You’ve lost weight!” is a direct result of our youth- and “beauty”-obsessed culture and its many tentacles, one of which is the world of fashion. Women’s (and to some extent, men’s) fashions are created with the malnourishment look in mind. Being painfully thin, despite how unhealthy it might be, has been considered chic for a long time. While I’m sure you’d like to alert people to the fact that you are not sucked in by this cultural obsession with thinness, I can’t really think of a simple way to address this without getting into a long discussion on the moronic tendencies (and they are legion) of swinging culture. So I’d just fuhgeddaboutit.

NOT A SAFE BET

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been dating a wonderful man for the last three months. We are completely in love, and he treats me very well and gets along well with my kids. He recently told me he is a registered sex offender and was in prison for molesting his then-nine-year-old daughter. This ended 15 years ago, and he has not been accused, caught, or arrested again. The real dilemma for me is that I have five children, ranging in age from a teenager to a toddler. I really love this man and want him in my life, but I fear I am putting my youngest in danger by allowing him in the house. I don’t leave him alone with the children and I have not seen any inappropriate behavior. I want to believe that this was a horrible incident in his past and will never happen again. I really want to trust him, but I also fear that I am sitting on a time bomb. What are your thoughts?

-Confused

Dear Confused,

All I have read and know about adults who have been involved in sexual contact with children (and I am certainly no expert) indicates that this is not a youthful indiscretion. The words “pedophilia” and “cure” seem to be mutually exclusive. That he’s not been charged with molesting any children in 15 years may be hopeful but, as you say, maybe it’s because he hasn’t been caught. He was forthright in acknowledging his past and you should be forthright in discussing your fears and concerns with him. See if he will go and discuss this with you and a therapist. If he truly wants to deal directly with his disorder and conquer his very bad impulses, I would think he’d be willing to do anything. I don’t like your odds in this and I fear for your children. Could this guy be the one in a million who beats all the odds? Perhaps, but I don’t think you want to bet your children’s lives on it.

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