Seven products in search of a movie
If there’s anything more certain than that Transformers will set new records for summer box office, it’s that Hollywood is already searching for products that can be made into hit movies. Here are a few suggestions based on a quick survey of current TV ads.
BROKEBACK FLO-MAX | It started out as a drug to provide relief for men suffering from swollen prostates and urinary retention. But once these guys hit the road with their kayaks, bicycles, water bottles, and high fives, they found they had another kind of pressure that needed relief.
CIALIS: THE BATHTUBS AT WORLD’S END | Things were getting a little limp with the wife in the romance department until he heard about this little yellow pill. It sends them on a journey down pathways, across fields, through forests, onto hammocks, and inexplicably into a pair of plumbing fixtures, all while he’s got an erection the size of a Louisville Slugger.
HEAD-ON OR DIE HARD | After defeating another terrorist attempt to bring America to its knees and reducing half the East Coast to ruins in the process, Detective John McClane faces his toughest challenge yet: the voices that keep telling him to apply it directly to his forehead.
COORS LIGHT: KNOCKED OUT | Although he’s too dumb to know whether his beer is cold if its label doesn’t turn blue, she still wants to have his kid. Until that fatal mistake about the color of her eyes . . .
THE SLEEP NUMBER BED VS. THE BIONIC WOMAN | Stirred from near career coma by a diabolical mattress that threatens world-wide narcolepsy, Lindsay Wagner stays awake long enough to dial in her own number and retire.
AMERIPRISE DREAM: THE MATRIX UNBONDED | Baby-boomer geezers believe they are living the good life building dream homes, traveling the world, and flying gliders when in fact their retirement plan has stolen all their money and they’re living on cat food in a skid-row rooming house.
iPHONE ALMIGHTY | Steve Carell plays a modern-day Noah who tries to rescue humanity from the flood of yet another useless, alienating, soul-numbing product — little realizing that his movie is being watched by millions on the same device.
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