The Big Hurt: Bieber goes 3-D

Plus Badd get bad, Loggins hits the highway, Perry slams 'Perry'
By DAVID THORPE  |  August 17, 2010

This one is a few weeks old, but I think it bears mentioning: one of the dudes from COLOR ME BADD — the second-most-piratey-looking dude, if that helps — was arrested on charges of being a lady hitter. Reports indicate that he threw his wife across a hotel room during a dispute in Hawaii.

Another part of my youth destroyed; another piece of my soul yanked from my body. What's this world coming to? If we can't trust the authors of our most sensual sex jams not to throw us around, who can we trust? I checked out the Color Me Badd article on Wikipedia to see what they'd been up to lately, and I was shocked to find that the arrest hadn't been written about there. I was even more shocked to find myself feeling a grim sense of duty to update the Color Me Badd Wikipedia article with a full summary of the abuse, but for some reason it said my IP address was banned for making "abusive edits." The irony! (Hey, editors: is that really irony? I don't know what irony is.)

By the way, I have no idea why I'm Wiki-banned. Could this be because I spent a year repeatedly editing Bono's page to claim that he would lose an eye on March 18, 2011? How can a stone-cold empirical fact be "abusive"?

So I was thinking about the song "Highway to the Danger Zone" the other day during a moment of personal intimacy, as we do, and a thing occurred to me: why would they build a highway to a danger zone? Shouldn't a danger zone be something accessible only by dirt road, perhaps with lots of locked metal gates and warning signs? KENNY LOGGINS, if you're reading this, or if the psychic bond we mysteriously shared between 1992 and 1995 is still active, please answer.

I've also always wondered about "Our House" by MADNESS. Why would they build a house in the middle of a street?

Headline of the week, courtesy of "MOGWAI to release 'interesting' new album in February 2011." A likely story.

Last week, I reported that JUSTIN BIEBER would be writing an illustrated memoir of his thrilling rise to fame. This week, even better news: he's reported to have signed with Paramount to star in a bio-pic about his own life. And it's gonna be in 3-D. Sure, maybe he hasn't been through quite as much shit as Ray Charles or Johnny Cash, but that extra dimension ought to make up for it.

The director was going to be Davis Guggenheim, he who helmed Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth, but then he dropped out of the project to concentrate on not making a 3-D Justin Bieber bio-pic.

Elsewhere in Bieberland: a YouTube clip has surfaced of the delectable twink's being nailed in the face with a water bottle during a concert in Sacramento some months back. Too bad it happened a while ago — if only high-tech 3-D cameras had been around to capture that precious moment.

Take a close look at this item from and see whether you can figure out what's wrong with it:

Joe Perry Slams Tyler Perry for 'Idol' Talk

Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry is apparently not happy with Steven Tyler vying to become the new "American Idol" judge. In an interview with The Boston Herald, Perry said he found out about the rumor "on the Internet like the rest of the world," and that he was surprised that Tyler never discussed the possible gig with the rest of the band.

Sure you're mad, but why take your frustrations out on MADEA?

Related: The Big Hurt: Bieber fever, The Big Hurt: Dialing up Billboard’s Ringtones Chart, The Big Hurt: Tiffany and Debbie Gibson's snakes 'n' gators, More more >
  Topics: Big Hurt , Entertainment, Music, Joe Perry,  More more >
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