The Big Hurt: Sex Pistols perfume

Plus ELO death and Moz racism
By DAVID THORPE  |  September 14, 2010

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MIKE EDWARDS, the cellist for Electric Light Orchestra, was killed two weeks ago when a giant bale of hay rolled down a hill and crushed his van. It’s such a freakish and tragic accident that it took me five minutes to figure out whether there was anything funny about it or not. I won’t reveal my answer here, because I think it’s one of those things that we all need to decide for ourselves. At the very least, I think we can all agree that there’s a certain bitter irony to it. [Editors: I still don’t know what irony is, but this has to be it, right?]

Regardless of its humor value, this is certainly the most outlandish musician death of 2010, and let’s all hope it stays that way. As I see it, there are only two things that could top it: either a musician gets killed by something weirder than a giant hay bale, or a giant hay bale kills a more famous musician.

The UK’s Sun newspaper has published a photo of former headline PETE DOHERTY playing snooker in the nude. I know “playing snooker” sounds like an enticing sexual euphemism, but no such luck: it’s an actual game they have in England that just happens to sound like an act of lighthearted erotic horseplay. Bad news: they censored out the full triangle of Pete’s wang area, so I can’t provide any new insights regarding size or grooming.

MORRISSEY’s been trying to play down those accusations of racism for a decade now, but he didn’t do himself any favors in a recent Guardian interview. Most of the interview was perfectly charming, but then there was this bit about the Chinese: “Did you see the thing on the news about their treatment of animals and animal welfare? Absolutely horrific. You can’t help but feel that the Chinese are a subspecies.”

I don’t know, Moz, I think I actually can help but feel that one.

In the past, Morrissey has been able to spin his subtle distaste for immigrants as a lament for the erosion of English white-people culture or something, but implying that an entire race of people is subhuman is going to be a little trickier to weasel out of. But, hey, as racism goes, at least he’s being constructive. I’m sure all the world’s Chinese people are going, “Oh no, we’d better clean up our act with the whole animal-rights thing, lest pop singer Morrissey continue to hold an arched eyebrow toward our evolutionary standing.”

If you can even find a spot for another nail in punk’s porcupine-like coffin, here’s a nice sharp one for you. You may recall that JOHN “NY ROTTEN” LYDON lent his talents to an ad campaign for Country Life Butter a while back. But he insisted he wasn’t selling out. “You would think by some of the attitude about the butter campaign, I was somehow doing wrong here. I don’t see it that way. I see myself as promoting British product, like what I am myself.” Remember that? Anywho, keep an eye out for — no joke — an official Sex Pistols “God Save the Queen Perfume,” courtesy of a French perfume company and America’s own Live Nation Merchandise! Care to update your statement in light of recent developments, Johnny?

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