that LADY GAGA
is developing a new fragrance inspired by the scent of blood and semen. One question, Gaga: why should I pay a bunch of money to smell how I already smell?
And on topics olfactory: the new R.E.M. single is called "Mine Smell like Honey," which is a provocatively grody title. The lyrics are obscure in the classic MIKE STIPE steeze, but I think he's referring to fruit - still creepy in a way I can't fully explain. I simply cannot bear the thought of Michael Stipe bending down and smelling a thing, or having things that smell like honey, or God knows what - he does well telling us what things look like, but he should avoid reveling in the wet senses, especially now that he has a beard. Anyway, I don't love it but I hope it grows on me (the song, not his beard).
"JAY-Z's just nonsense," said John Lydon to NME. "I'm afraid what he does is parody to me." Pardon me, Mr. Lydon, but did you just accuse Jay-Z of "parody"? No, no, that's fine. I'm just making sure. Please, erstwhile punk legend Johnny Rotten, carry on with your reality-television appearances, reunion tours, butter commercials, and battery of women.
BIEBERWATCH 3D! Get ready to witness the big-screen spectacle of Biebs' Fauntleroian ascent — the theatrical release of Never Say Never is just days away, and advance tickets are available now! But should some tragic aesthetic deficiency prevent you from being excited about this, let me kick it up a notch: one lucky advance-ticket buyer will win a private home-town screening of Never Say Never with free popcorn and soda for up to 30 lucky friends . . . and Bieber himself will be in attendance! You must be 18 or older to enter the contest; I take that as a tacit admission that it's aimed squarely and exclusively at perverts.
Poor NAS, perennially beset by foes, hoes, and general woes: divorce, censorship, child support, terrible beats, alimony, rap beeves, album delays, conservative punditry, declining relevance - it's enough to make a dude forget to pay his taxes for a few years. Now the Man is after him for $6.46 million. But that's cool, I'm sure he'll raise the cash instantly when he drops the album produced by DR.DRE and the album produced by DJ PREMIER on the same day, like he said he was gonna do back in 2008. Remember? He said that! It'll totally happen! Surely that wasn't just an insane boast that he slurred to MTV News while nestled in the hazy bosom of a Coleridge-esque laudanum reverie, right?
Yeah, so Nas is going to be broke forever. But that's nothing compared to DIDDY's financial jeopardy: the flexibly named mogul's empire of BIGGIE eulogy and irrelevant reality programming is under threat from a lawsuit by one JOYCE TURKS, who is leveling some very serious allegations. Diddy, the complaint has it, fathered Turks's child, disabled her other child ("He put my baby in a wheelchair!"), stole a poker chip worth "zillions" of dollars, and conspired with RODNEY KING to plot and execute the 9/11 attacks. For this, Turks is seeking $900 billion in child support and $100 billion in additional damages.