This week, another ill-fated jog down the dark alley of music biz press releases. . . .
"Pop Superstar Ke$ha Has Been Named as Humane Society International's First Global Ambassador"
One can't be a proper pop superstar without spokespersonning the heck out of some cause or another, so here's to Ke$ha for finding an organization that really speaks to her. And here's to Humane Society International for finding the perfect ambassador to lend credibility to their efforts by providing press quotes like this:
"I am honored to be the first HSI Global Ambassador because my music is inspired by the freedom and primal beauty of animals and the natural world. I take this opportunity incredibly seriously because we are ALL animals. One of the main underlying sentiments of my music is to respect all living creatures just as they are."
Really, she's a great fit for their anti-animal testing campaign — Ke$ha herself is more familiar than most lab animals with having heavy cosmetics rubbed in her eyes.
"From Backseat to Center Stage: Benni Cinkle, 'That Girl in Pink' from Rebecca Black's 'Friday' Video to Release Debut Single"
In an earlier column, I mentioned that Benni Cinkle — "that girl in pink," who captured America's fond bemusement as the terrified backseat dancer in Rebecca Black's "Friday" video — was making a name for herself with some big social media moves. Now, determined to wring every last grey drop from the fetid "Friday" fame sponge, she's released a glossy pop video of her own.
Unlike Rebecca's fluffy party track, "Can You See Me Now" is a weighty, maudlin thing, and, if I may put this charitably, it's every bit as good as you'd expect. The video — which, unlike the song, I find myself more inclined to criticize, since it was produced by allegedly adult human professionals — is a marvel of ill-conceived angstploitation.
In it, sad youths are abused, disowned, yelled at, self-harmed, etc. Curiously, all this torture is intercut with flashy breakdancers. Then, all the abused teens start screaming, and their screams turn to butterflies. And then Benni Cinkle grows butterfly wings.
Whether this is Benni's big break remains to be seen, but it's really not such a big leap. After all, Tupac was once a background dancer for Digital Underground, and he went on to great things. Here's hoping Benni's luck is every bit as good as his!
(OK, we're all having fun here, but let's not actually wish murder on this well-meaning teenage girl.)
"Stress Relief: Hypnotic Eye Rocket from 'Superfly Thug' Mongo Slade Relieves Tension"
I'm just going to hold my commentary and hit you with some choice quotes:
"Hypnotic Eye Rocket is a new product line of exclusive eyewear accessories created by hip-hop life coach, music producer, and Superfly Thug Mongo Slade. In his inspiring motivational book Dreams 2 Reality, Mongo Slade speaks of using the Hypnotic Eye Rocket system taught to him by a mystical hypnotist named Sparky Flinstone to reach the next level.
"It was while in a deep hypnotic trance that Slade began to turn his thug life mentality around by redefining the word THUG as an acronym meaning: Thirsty for success, Hungry for growth, Unique, and Gifted.
" 'If the hypnotic stress relief system calmed the savage beast in me and helped turned my life around, then it can help anybody,' says Mongo Slade."
This may be the world's greatest press release; the only downside is learning that the monikers "Superfly Thug Mongo Slade" and "Sparky Flinstone" are already taken. You can buy this thing for $35 at www.hypnoticeyerocket.com— and what the hell, guys, we have $35. Let's do this.