In the spooky spirit of the Phoenix Halloween Goth special, a chilling tale of a band returning from the dead! After 25 years of hating each other and fervently denying that they'd ever desecrate their memory by reuniting, the STONE ROSES are doing just that. In 2012, the legendary almost-weres will be playing some hometown comeback shows, touring the world, and possibly even recording some new material.
(For those of you who aren't familiar with UK rock, the Roses were a fictional boy band created by NME so they wouldn't have to argue about who to put at #1 on "Best Albums" lists anymore.)
It's tough to process the news. The Roses were one of my favorite bands at some point, but nothing seems to indicate that they'll be any good this time around. Their second album was a dud, and guitarist John Squire's post-Roses material has ranged from mediocre to god-awful. Most worryingly, frontman Ian Brown has entirely lost whatever singing voice he once had, which wasn't much to begin with — nowadays, he'll probably top out at a "Four-Storey Love Song."
Putting all that ugly reality aside: heck yeah! The extremely remote prospect of a good new Stone Roses single outweighs any worry of legacy-tarnishing. A lot of people are grousing that a poor comeback would damage the Roses legend, but I don't buy it — if their lame second album and disastrous, drawn-out breakup didn't retroactively spoil their first album, a shitty comeback tour probably won't either.
If you're wondering how big a comeback this is, perhaps only the Smiths would be a bigger deal; the Roses are approximately the UK equivalent of Guns N' Roses, who remain unlikely as ever to reform. In a recent backstage interview posted to YouTube, Axl Rose shared some delicious new Slash gossip from the glory days: "It was great, because he would pass out and piss his pants, and then I would get to be with the girl. So I always followed Slash. I mean, the girl would be like, 'Aaaaaaugh, he just peed in my bed!' and I'd be like, 'It's okay, it's okay.' " Am I imagining things, or is Axl dissing Slash by admitting to poaching his pee-soaked groupies?
PS: guess who feels like a big idiot for writing an entire column about MARION getting back together a few weeks ago? Whoopsie!
In further, scarier news, prepare for some truly grotesque big-screen horror: Ron Howard's production company has reportedly bought the rights to STEVEN TYLER's recent memoir, which could mean a biopic is imminent. I'm guessing it'll be a big-budget undertaking; they'll probably have to hire Andy Serkis to motion-capture a performance for a digital Steven Tyler puppet, since no human actor could possibly look awful enough. If they were strapped for cash, maybe they could get the dude who played the terrifying meningitis sister in Pet Sematary.
How soon can we expect this pic? "It's either as soon as the plane goes down, or in my lifetime," Tyler told Women's Wear Daily. I repeat: Tyler told Women's Wear Daily.
Review of the new M83 album: a little overblown, maybe slightly too much whooping and yelping. You should probably buy it, because those are among the best problems for a record to have.