BIEBERWATCH! While his upcoming Christmas album, Under the Mistletoe, may sound like a surefire hit, it was nearly scuppered by a pair of glistening ornaments. Biebs reportedly had some difficulty hitting the high notes on a duet with Mariah Carey: "A year ago, it would have been no problem," Scooter Braun told Billboard magazine. "Vocally, his balls have dropped."
(In case you missed Justin Bieber: Never Say Never 3D, like an idiot: Scooter Braun is Justin Bieber's manager, who closely oversees all aspects of the boy's career and balls; Braun is credited with discovering Bieber's talent and balls on YouTube, and then nurturing them into their present superstar status.)
But can a world hooked on the lad's boyish voice accept his man-sized croon? Thankfully, in Billboard's estimation, Bieber's ripening external genitalia haven't entirely teabagged his career prospects. "There is indeed a warmer, deeper quality to Bieber's voice," says the article, ". . . a more mature resonance."
In other Justin Bieber ballnews, a young fan has claimed that the star impregnated her in a 30-second backstage tryst, and now she's after him with a paternity suit. He denies it, of course. Much as I hate to dignify this accusation by mentioning it in my otherwise reputable column, I thought it would illustrate the peril of being a prized public ball-haver.
Haven't caught any tracks from the Christmas record yet, but here's hoping I get a chance to peep Bieber's new heavy-nutted thug swag before I get sent to jail for writing this shit.
Elsewhere in Christmas album news, SCOTT WEILAND brings us The Most Wonderful Time of the Year, which, according to Billboard, "takes on classics like 'Winter Wonderland' and 'White Christmas' and gives them what Weiland calls 'a little twist,' ranging in style from big band to reggae." Yay! He got my letters!
Also, I hope all my diligent little elves have been hard at work taking tiny spray bottles of urine into record stores and misting merry little squirts of pee onto A VERY SHE & HIM CHRISTMAS! I know it's only November, but it's never too early to get started — if every copy isn't soaked in urine by Christmas Eve, Santa isn't coming this year. Tell your kids!
Musicians have had a tortured relationship with the Internet ever since it started stealing all of their money, but some of them have let their bitterness develop into genuine terror. This week, PETE TOWNSHEND called iTunes a "digital vampire" that is bleeding artists dry. NAS got even more graphic, calling the Internet "a man with horns. Not even a man — a dark force with horns — behind the whole shit." Spooky!
Here's an interesting tale from TMZ: first, NICKI MINAJ fired her maid for taking a photo out of her trash and asking Nicki to sign it. On one hand, that's a little creepy; on the other hand, Nicki robbed a servant of her livelihood because that servant humbly asked Nicki to bless a scrap of garbage.
I suppose that, as a rich person, Nicki needn't condescend to grant the pathetic requests of underlings. But it gets a little worse: the next week, the maid returned as if nothing happened; Nicki screamed at her to leave the premises, but the maid refused, asking not to be "treated like an animal." Nicki's boyfriend pushed the woman out; the cops were called, et cetera. The problem here is that it wasn't the same maid; apparently, Nicki can't tell her servants apart. The 99 percent is coming for you, Cruella.
DAVID THORPE | email@example.com