MY PARENTS GET PICTURES OF OTHER PEOPLE'S SMILING REPUBLICAN CHILDREN. That's all right too. People get them. You can always use them and recycle them and deface them and put them on your own Christmas bowls. You can redo them and turn them into art. I get some very clever Christmas cards too.

DO YOU BUY A LOT OF GIFTS AS WELL? Yes, but it's not about how much they cost, it's just about how personal they are. Books are the best presents always. Rare books are the best.

A really good gift is to find a vintage porn title with the person's name in the title. That's a good present. Like Bad Bill. You just have to have it be personal. Rob the Sex Addict.

HAS SOMEONE GIVEN YOU SOMETHING THAT STICKS OUT?

Someone gave me Gay John. But, John is an easy one, because it's also a prostitute's customer. But, I also collect books that have "I" in the title, like I, Hooker, I, Woman, I, Whore, and I, Pimp. I'm always looking for titles with the word "I" and blank. I also collect porn titles that have "chicken" in them, like Daddy's Little Chicken. I'm looking for Santa's Chicken. There must be a book somewhere called that.

WATERS_Santa_main
YOU TALKED ONCE ABOUT A WOMAN WHO LEFT YOU A MESSAGE ON YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE. A woman who masturbated to Pink Flamingos. That's before I had a limit on my answering machine, yes.

WOULD YOU CONSIDER THAT A GIFT? No, that was not a gift. That was an annoyance. That was like a stalker. I definitely have an unlisted phone now. It's pretty hard to get my number.

DID YOU LISTEN TO THE WHOLE MESSAGE? I was home! And, I was screaming! You know how you can listen to a message without picking up? I was listening to it for a while. Then, I was thinking "Oh my god." I went into the other room and turned the volume down.

I'VE READ THAT YOU KNEW NORMAN MAILER A BIT. DID YOU EVER BUY HIM ANY GIFTS? No, but I knew him. I know the whole family. He used to come to my house for dinner. I had Rosie O'Donnell and Norman to dinner together. I thought they were going to kill each other, but actually, they got along great.

AT YOUR DINNER PARTIES, DO YOU MAKE HOLIDAY TREATS? With my family, I have two sisters and every year it's one of our turns to cook Christmas dinner. It's not my turn this year. But, I've done it many years. And, I have a big Christmas party every year in Baltimore that I've had, really, for 40 years.

WHO GOES TO YOUR PARTY? My Baltimore party is very much my party for people in Baltimore. Some famous people come, but mostly it's people I've known forever. I would say half the guests are people I see once a year at my party but are people I've known forever and ever. I think it's really important to keep up with old friends. It's about 200 people. It's a big party. Lots of people come. The guy who played the Singing Asshole comes. Prisoners I've taught who are out on parole come. Movie stars come. My old friends come.

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