MY DREAM VISION OF THIS PARTY IS A CROSS BETWEEN YOUR MOVIES ANDTHE WIRE. My party is like neither, actually. It might've been like my movies 40 years ago. But now, it's catered, it's a big Christmas party. But it's a mixed crowd, from all walks of life, definitely.

IN YOUR ESSAY COLLECTIONROLE MODELS, YOU WRITE ABOUT HOW YOU WANT A CROWDED FUNERAL. ON THAT NOTE, WOULD YOU ADVISE PEOPLE TO AVOID DYING AROUND CHRISTMASTIME? Dying around Christmas is the same as being born around Christmas. You get gypped, because people are busy. No one wants to give two presents. It's really a drag. My late brother was born two days after Christmas, and I always felt he got a raw deal.

The worst birthday is probably Christmas Eve. Especially if you're Jewish. Then you're gypped every way.

YOU PUT OUT AN ALBUM A FEW YEARS AGO,A JOHN WATERS CHRISTMAS, WITH FUN AND INCREDIBLY WEIRD CHRISTMAS SONGS. HAS ANYTHING COME OUT RECENTLY THAT YOU LIKE? Oh, Justin Bieber's new one! I've been playing it and rapping along with "The Little Drummer Boy" all week. That's my favorite new Christmas thing. And, I love that the woman [Mariah Yeater] dropped the lawsuit. What a liar!

YOU MET BIEBER LAST YEAR, DIDN'T YOU? WHAT WAS HE LIKE? He's great. I'm a fan. He's a child prodigy. Did you ever see that documentary [Never Say Never] about him? He's in the kitchen, playing "Respect" on pots and pans when he was, like, eight years old. He sold out Madison Square Garden when he was this little child. He's Shirley Temple!

FOR THE CHRISTMAS SHOW YOU'RE DOING AT THE BERKLEE, WHAT CAN PEOPLE EXPECT TO SEE? It's everything about Christmas. Crime, fashion, what to give people, what not to give people, what I want for Christmas, what I'd like to give you for Christmas, how to get through it if you have crazy families, if you have loving families, every single possible thing about Christmas. How to survive it, actually.

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