The Big Hurt: Hot 100 Debuts

Who charted?
By DAVID THORPE  |  February 1, 2012

I love writing these chart-watching editions of "The Big Hurt," but I don't do it too often, and for a depressing reason: the same shit stays on the charts week after week. The newest song in the Billboard Hot 100 top 10 — David Guetta's "Turn Me On" — has been lingering for almost two months; most of the shit in the top five has been around for 15 weeks or more, and several are last-chance singles from albums long since tapped out. Amazingly, new stuff does manage to sneak up once in a while. Let's have a look at the week's biggest debuts.

60_TRAIN, "DRIVE BY" | A new Train single is on its way — about as awful as an actual train hurtling toward you, though a lot less exhilarating (you'll never see a teenager getting kicks by staring down lyrics like "Hey Soul Sister"). Obviously, the question is not "Does it suck?," but "How much?" Let's give the track a chance to speak for itself: "When you move me/everything is groovy/they don't like it, sue me/Ooh, the way you do me." If that wasn't a clear enough answer, contemplate this lyric: "My love for you went viral."

67_VAN HALEN, "TATTOO" | That Train track was reprehensible, but here comes David Lee Roth to give these early-middle-aged whippersnappers a lesson in just how bad rock-and-roll wordplay can get. I'm sure you've at least caught wind of the "sexy dragon magic" line by now, but you owe it to yourself to give it a serious, eyes-closed listen on expensive headphones and really soak in the once-in-a-lifetime awfulness. Check out the video, too. When DLR sings "Uncle Danny had a cool tattoo/he fought for the union," it won't even occur to you that he's talking about a labor union — he looks and sounds one generation removed from the Civil War.

78_SNOW PATROL, "CALLED OUT IN THE DARK" | These guys have been also-running since the late '90s, and they're long overdue for a decent tune. They always shoot for the stars, but it seems like they think there are only three and a half of them. I haven't heard their latest record, but this is certainly the lead single; it sounds way too self-consciously lead-singlish to be anything else. Not in a garish way, like Coldplay's embarrassing "Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall," but in more of a quietly desperate way: begging for a hit, throwing a bone to the boys at the label — who knows? It starts off well enough — snappy drums, a nice vocal melody, a little less wistful tedium than usual — then builds up to into nothing. When the chorus finally shows up, it looks like it just rolled out of bed.

85_THE WANTED, "GLAD YOU CAME" | A boy band in 2012? This must be somebody's sick idea of a joke. It's not even a good boy band, even by boy-band standards. Their innuendo game is weak as hell — the "came" in the title emerges as a double entendre, but they were beaten at that game 10 years ago by Canadian dipshits B4-4. Their "Get Down" single contained not only the chorus "If you get down on me/I'll get down on you," but the fiendishly clever line "Gonna make you come tonight (over to my house!)." Piss off, losers, you're 10 years late.

1  |  2  |   next >
Related: The Big Hurt: The worst singles of 2012, Coming of age with Hoodie Allen, The Big Hurt: The week in food, More more >
  Topics: Big Hurt , The Big Hurt, music features, top 100
| More

Most Popular
Share this entry with Delicious
  •   THE BIG HURT: LUPE’S CAREER CHANGE  |  March 19, 2013
    You may have already had a big luxurious eye roll at celebrities as "creative directors" of companies ...
  •   WHO CHARTED: SMOOTH JAZZ SONGS  |  March 12, 2013
    If you dig deep enough into's genre charts, past the foreign hits, past the Latin and Christian stuff and the MySpace streaming charts, you'll find one last afterthought: Smooth Jazz.
    In her long career of pushing boundaries, Madonna has run afoul of some of the world's most powerful institutions.
  •   THE BIG HURT: DIVING IN THE PR DUMPSTER  |  February 26, 2013
    I've been dumpster diving in the PR bin, the rankest receptacle of music industry waste, and I've come up with a dripping fistful of the month's hottest garbage.
  •   THE BIG HURT: LEANIN' WITH BIEBS  |  February 20, 2013
    Bieber was allegedly photographed sipping something from a double Styrofoam cup, in close proximity to a big bottle of codeine cough syrup. This can only add up to one thing: lean . That purple drank, the laudanum of Screw, the deadly nectar of Pimp C.

 See all articles by: DAVID THORPE