FOR THE BOWEL NOVICE
I know it seems laughable, but you may know someone — maybe even a close friend — who still sits on the toilet. Even though the intestinal benefits of a healthy squat have been known for decades, there are millions of medieval types who treat the commode like a common chair. If you look closely, it's easy to spot the signs of a toilet-sitter: the careful gait betrays a nervous colon; the constant trips to the washroom suggest an inefficient technique; the surreptitious "shawshanking" of little rabbit-poops out the pant-leg reveal a disgusting commitment to outdated methods.
For these people, consider the Squatty Potty ($39.99 from dailygrommet.com), which provides a simple, attractive footrest to promote the healthy knees-on-chest posture practiced by all civilized peoples. "The benefits of using Squatty Potty include faster, cleaner, and easier bowel movements," reads the entirely obvious description. "Proper bathroom posture also can help prevent colon disease and alleviate ailments such as constipation, hemorrhoids, and pelvic floor issues."
You may think it rude to use holiday gift-giving to passive-aggressively point out the inferior bathroom methods of friends and family, but consider this: wouldn't it be ruder still to let them stumble through the rest of their life with pants full of barbaric bathroom ignorance?
: Big Hurt
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