5. I don't remember how I got here, whose house this is or where this typewriter came from, but anyway this album by the greatest fucking rock 'n' roll band in the whole wide world/ most talented sensitive balladeer of his generation whom many of us are already calling the New Dylan/ sweetest songbird this side of the Thames has saved my life again just like all the others did, so I don't even care if this place gets busted right now, I don't care if the world comes to an end because the cosmic message of truth and unity which this music is bringing to me has made me feel complete for the first time since 1968.
Well, that wasn't hard at all, was it? A whole paragraph written already! But this is no place to stop: the most fun's yet to come. Tally ho!
The first song on side one, ___________(choose one):
a. "Catalina Sky"
b. "Death Rays in Your Eyes"
c. "I Wish I Was a Rusty Nail"
d. "Lady of Whitewater"
e. "Nixon Eats"
(choose again) __________
a. is a rousingly high spirited opener in march tempo
b. starts things off at an extremely high energy level
c. sets the pace and mood of the album most atmospherically
d. won't win any Grammies this year
e. reminds me of my Grandmother puking up her sherry into the bathtub the night we had fish that had gone bad for dinner when I was three years old
The first thing you notice is ___________ (choose one)
a. the vicious, slashing guitar solo
b. the deep, throbbing bass lines
c. how mellowly the sensitive, almost painfully fragile vocal is integrated with the mesmerising Spanish chords from those four line hollowbody Gibson guitars
d. that the cymbals aren't miked right
e. that the entire mix is a washout and this album has what is probably the worst production of the year.
The full impact of what's going on in this cut may not reach you the first time, but if you keep listening a couple of times a day for a week or two, especially through headphones, it will come to you in a final flash of revelation that ___________ (choose one)
a. you were wasting your time
b. you are listening to a masterpiece of rock which so far transcends "rock" as we have known it that most people probably won't recognize its true worth for at least ten years
c. all the instruments are out of tune
d. you should have bought the Band instead
e. you're deaf in one ear.
Cut two is ___________ (choose one)
a. a nice change of pace
b. more of the same pigshit
c. a definite picker-upper
d. interesting, at least
e. insulting to the human ear (my dog didn't like it either)
by virtue of the fact that ___________
a. it was produced by Phil Spector's cousin from Jersey
b. it's only two seconds long
c. the lyrics say more, and more concisely, about what we have done to our natural environment than anything else written in the past decade
d. Babby Keyes, Jim Price and Boots Randolph sit in for a real old time "blowing session"
e. I spilled Gallo Port in the grooves and it made it sound better.