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Big Hurt

The Big Hurt: Clubbing baby seals: not okay

In environmental news: the Daily Mirror reports that BRITNEY SPEARS has been undergoing regular colonic-irrigation treatments to cleanse her body of impacted unpleasantness (or alien ghosts, or whatever-the-fuck). Treatments are paid for by the United States government, which declared Spears’s colon a toxic “Superfund site” after the Federline disaster of 2004.

In a recent interview with England’s Sun newspaper, R.E.M. frontman MICHAEL STIPE expressed his support for presidential hopeful BARACK OBAMA, who’s proved to be a divisive figure among musicians. Whereas ARCADE FIRE, WILCO, and the surviving GRATEFUL DEAD have thrown their weight behind Obama, the blogs have been ablaze recently with the words of a notable skeptic. An interview in last month’s XXL magazine revealed that enthusiastic pet owner DMX remains measured in his support. “His name is Barack?! What the fuck is a Barack,” wondered the rapper. “Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa? . . . What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here. . . . Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, ‘Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit. . . . That ain’t your fuckin’ name. Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.’ ”