Crüe Fest
Hype for this thing started more than a month ago, when the Phoenix received a tantalizing note from the Crüe camp: “I’m the publicist for Mötley Crüe, and I wanted to let you know, if you haven’t already heard, that all four original band members of America’s most notorious rock band will make a colossal announcement in Los Angeles on April 15 (location tbd). This will by far be one of the biggest music announcements of the year!!”

(Note the mighty expressive power of the double exclamation point!)

How could a thing like that not pique my curiosity? What could a ridiculous glam-rock blooper reel like Mötley Crüe have up their sleeves that might be anywhere near one of the biggest announcements of the year? Would Nikki Sixx sheepishly admit he’s never taken so much as an aspirin? Has science proved, after all these decades, that Vince Neil is not Bret Michaels? Maybe they’d haul Robert Christgau up to a bank of microphones and get him to admit, on behalf of critics everywhere, that Crüe records have been good all these years.

But no, the big whoop turned out to be Crüe Fest, a traveling showcase of the most execrable rock dregs in America: the Crüe, plus 10-years-late glam-metal clowns Buckcherry, the reliably lame Papa Roach, and forgotten “Headstrong” superstars Trapt. Also appearing, I presume by default, are Nikki Sixx side project Sixx AM. I recommend visiting motley.com and watching the 40-minute videotaped press conference hosted by a wonderful, ultra-lame marketing guy. “We think we’ve created an excellent entertainment-value proposition,” intones the squarest fucking dude of all time.

By the way, just added “Trapt” to my MS Word spellcheck dictionary. Never know when I might need to deploy that shit again.

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