“COOL COUNTRY — EXPRESSES A DISTINCTIVELY AMERICAN FORM OF MUSIC AND ITS INCREDIBLE LASTING POPULARITY, PARTICULARLY IN THE SOUTH!” This section has one of the park’s top coasters, “Life in the Fast Lane.” It’s an Eagles-themed . . . uhh . . . mine-cart ride through a spooky haunted lumber mill. I guess it makes a lot more sense when you consider the original title, “Midnight Rider” (after the Allman Brothers classic). Actually, that still doesn’t make any goddamn sense, does it?
“BORN IN THE USA — SALUTES THE BIRTHPLACE AND ‘MELTING POT’ OF ROCK: AN AMERICAN TAPESTRY OF EXCITING STYLES AS DIVERSE AS THE PEOPLE THAT LIVE FROM ‘SEA TO SHINING SEA.’ ” The Hard Rock Park Web site doesn’t delve too much into the melting-pot angle; an early review posted on a theme-park blog noted that the area seems to ignore the role of black artists in the history of rock, but hey, at least this section features a Bon Jovi–themed “Slippery When Wet” ride. If you want a little diversity, head over to the kid-friendly “Reggae River Falls” for a celebration of the black man’s sole acknowledged contribution: “island rhythms.” Hey, it’s South Carolina. Let’s not think too hard about this.
Although the park is open to the public now, the plan is to have a huge grand-opening celebration on June 2 and 3. Better book your tickets now, before the thing inevitably goes bankrupt. Forgive me if it’s already closed by the time you read this.
PS: One good reason to go: the Web site advertises “Kid Rock — Free with Park Admission.” If you’re looking for a hardy laborer to clean your rain gutters and organize your garage, you might consider it.
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