The lyrics, which really aren’t that bad, did nothing more severe than calling Hillary Clinton a bitch, wishing John McCain ill, and accusing President Bush of being mentally handicapped. In which case, shouldn’t we all be ashamed?

R. KELLY’s new album has leaked, but the occasion has been emptied of all joy — now that a jury of his peers has acquitted him of his alleged pee-related indulgences, can we in good conscience continue to indulge in the obvious “R. Kelly leaking” jokes? Or are we forced, like common criminals, to come up with original, non-obvious jokes, perhaps even jokes worthy of being printed in a prestigious weekly newspaper? No! I’m a man of principles, and I won’t stand for it.

MORRISSEY’s new album, titled Years of Refusal, has been pushed back until 2009. This puts me and other Morrissey fans in an awkward position: do we cry now because of the delay or save it up till next year and cry when we hear the record?

As if KEANE didn’t already have every reason to be petrified with humiliation over their very existence, check out the remarkable purpleness of this recent post on their official Web site:

We started out in Paris, where Jon Brion inspired us to create first and think later.

We took the night train to Berlin, where everything came together in an avalanche of experimentation that took us all by surprise; where we made a pact with Stuart Price to ignore the rules of good taste; where we were hypnotised by Marlene Dietrich and spent many a long night throwing ideas around in the crumbling Cabaretesque glamour of our favourite bar.

Are you fucking kidding me, guys?

Police pulled over SNOOP DOGG’s tour bus and — gasp! — smelled marijuana! Two men (neither of them Snoop) were arrested on suspicion of possessing the dangerous chemical intoxicant, and I’m sure Snoop was severely rattled by the revelation that members of his entourage were “drugs” junkies!

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