Every song should have maybe 10 percent Christmas-related content, so we don’t have to listen to a different set of songs during the holiday season. The Christmas stuff shouldn’t be so overbearing that it makes us long for Christmas in the middle of May, but it should be noticeable enough that when we hear it on the radio in December, we’ll say, “Oh, yeah, he just said ‘reindeer.’ ” You could add other holiday references within the song on a diminishing scale according to the importance of the holiday, so each song would also have five percent birthday-applicable lyrics, three percent Thanksgiving, one percent Halloween, and so forth.

Opera gave way to regular singing, and singing gave way to rapping. What’s next? Some sort of heavy breathing, or coughing.

Bands shouldn’t be allowed to choose their own names; instead, they should have to audition for a name in front of a qualified music critic (who would be generously remunerated). The critic would then give the band a name indicative of their quality. For example, a very good band might be named the “Greatbands”; a terrible band would be called the “Dontlistenums,” or “Sum 41.” Bands could reapply for a better name after one year; that would give them time to practice and get better (the “Improved Dontlistenums”). I feel that this requirement would keep bands honest and drive up the overall quality of music. Not to mention making me a better-paid critic.

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