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By DAVID THORPE  |  October 1, 2008

DRUG-FUELED “GONZO” TRAVELOGUE: $350 | Many a platinum career has been minted on titillating road diaries of cocaine orgies and death-defying sexual excess. For the first time ever, you can commission a gripping true-to-life account of a tour gone horribly wrong without the stink of the tour bus and the hassle of the state-border produce-inspection stand. Although I’m sober as a judge, my world-class understanding of “drugs culture” is the key to memorable prose like this:

As we hurtled through the Mojave on three flat tires, only the uneasy luck of the damned kept us on the road. The driver, plunging a syringe of liquid marijuana unto his eyeball, narrowly missed a ditch. “That was a close call,” cooed the buxom groupie who had, only seconds earlier, been snorting grains of pure china white out of [YOUR NAME]’s urethra.

FIVE-STAR-LEGEND PACKAGE: $500 | Why gamble with “real critics” when David Thorpe offers proven results? A five-star review will brand your name into the immortal canon of rock, guaranteeing permanent legendary status for less than the cost of a Stratocaster. On a tight budget? Cut promo costs and maximize future gains with my famous $400 “Rolling Stone Special”: a noncommittal three-and-a-half-star review now plus a FREE five-star upgrade when your album is reissued in 10 years!

All prices are negotiable, and I give sliding discounts based on the immediacy of the Apocalypse. Payments in gold and gasoline accepted. Contact dthorpe@phx.com for more information; serious enquiries only.

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