The Big Hurt: Rotten butter

By DAVID THORPE  |  October 8, 2008

A new instructional DVD called GAMERS TO PLAYERS (or G2P, if you’re hep) promises to translate your finely honed Guitar Hero/Rock Band skills into actual instrumental talent. “Learning to play guitar after learning the games can be difficult,” explains co-creator Mark John Sternal. “G2P gives a gamer an advantage over beginners when making the transition from the controller to a real guitar.” It seems like a pretty good idea, apart from the obvious fact that playing Guitar Hero is about as similar to playing a real guitar as it is to opening a can of tuna, but I’ve got an even better thought: I’m gonna make one of these that works for Street Fighter II so you can learn to throw fireballs and pause women while they’re kicking you in the face so you can get a good look at their crotches.

GEORGE MICHAEL now has two public-restroom arrests under his belt, nearly matching his record of three passed-out-in-a-car arrests.

PAUL MCCARTNEY is once again teaming with producer YOUTH for another dose of his essential trance side project, the Fireman. An old guy attempting electronic music is always cute, like when your mom calls and says, “My Firefox can’t watch YouTubes.”

Memory-card manufacturer SANDISK has somehow bullshitted Universal, Sony BMG, Warner, and EMI into backing its new “slotMusic” format, which sticks DRM-free MP3 files onto tiny, easily swallowable microSD disks. “Of course,” said the labels. “New physical music formats are exactly the sort of thing that won’t fail spectacularly in today’s download-dominated marketplace.”

In the Big Hurt Credibility Spotlight this week: punk legend JOHN “ny Rotten” LYDON is now starring in butter commercials on British television. Butter commercials; commercials for butter. Television advertisements soliciting the public to purchase butter. Starring Johnny Rotten. Relish ye this horripilating Lydon quote: “I for one am proud to be British and I’m proud to get behind a proper British brand. That’s why I’m supporting Country Life butter.”

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