Offa my couch, Larroquette

Foos fight McCain, Madonna pans Palin, Heart hearts Barack
By DAVID THORPE  |  October 24, 2008

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In a video posted to his Web site, former Rolling Stone RINGO STARR has lovingly warned his fans to stop sending him fan mail. “I’m warning you with peace and love, I have too much to do,” says the drummer. “So no more fan mail. Thank you. No more objects to be signed. Nothing.” I have no objection to his desire to live his life unencumbered by enormous volumes of mail, but I do strenuously object to the proposition that he’s got shit to do.

LILY ALLEN has announced a title change for her upcoming album, from Smile to It’s Not Me It’s You. It would seem she’s mistaking it for her MySpace status.

KEANE, named after Family Circus auteur Bill Keane, have announced a few “free” shows to promote the release of their new album, but I urge you to consider the true cost: you will be complicit in crimes against culture, and after my inevitable rise to power, my brutal regime will be unkind to your ilk.

Some maniac record label is actually suing LIL’ KIM for not making an album. What is this, Bizarro World?

Alack: the release of the new FALL OUT BOY album has been pushed back six weeks, and not to resort to hyperbole or anything, but every teenager now knows the agony of Christ as he died for all mankind. The album, Folie à Deux, was going to be released on November 4, but they reconsidered the cuteness of that gimmick.

MADONNA, as if anyone cared, has banned SARAH PALIN from her concerts. “Sarah Palin can’t come to my show. It’s nothing personal,” she announced on stage at one show. Yeah, I’m sure Sarah is a huge Madonna fan who had the tickets and everything, and now she’s just sitting there crying and reading the liner notes to Erotica and reconsidering her opinions on abortion. In other, equally important news, I hereby ban JOHN LARROQUETTE from my couch (See? Only works if the other person giiiiives a shiiiiit.) I totally don’t really, though, because he’s rad, and pow! — now you have the theme from Night Court stuck in your head for the next three days.

And, not music news, but did you hear that HUSTLER is making a Sarah Palin–inspired porn movie? This truly is the most important erection of our time.

Meanwhile, FOO FIGHTERS are the latest to denounce the McCain campaign’s unauthorized use of a song. Their track “My Hero” was recently employed by the GOP to underscore the heroicness of hero John McCain, and the Foos objected: “To have it appropriated without our knowledge and used in a manner that perverts the original sentiment of the lyric just tarnishes the song.” Nearby, prior McCain objectors HEART, whose “Barracuda” was used to introduce Sarah Palin’s fishlike feistiness, are playing a special show in support of Barack Obama; it’s titled “Every Woman for Obama.” Ouch!

I wrote a joke about HOOBASTANK that’s actually too mean to print. Think about how mean a joke would have to be that I’d feel bad saying it about anybody, let alone Hoobastank. But just to show you that I haven’t gone totally soft, hear ye this: CHESTER BENNINGTON of LINKIN PARK is sidelined with a serious back injury, and I unabashedly take giddy delight. He is a philanthropist, a family man, a human being with deeply felt emotions; he is in pain, and I love it.

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