Unless we act fast, the darkest chapter in American æsthetic history may soon be revisited: Billboard is again spreading the ugly, hateful rumor that a CREED reunion is probable. With vainglorious mulletcrooner SCOTT STAPP back in tip-top shape after a successful USO tour, a "source close to the situation" reports that there are "significant dollars" being laid down toward a reunion of the post-grunge think tank. Shouldn't there be some kind of government "Superfund" program in place to thwart toxic culture spills by outbidding the kind of bad idiots who'd pay to re-form Creed? Or, I don't know, can't the CIA clandestinely export the band to enemy nations to destabilize their cultures? Or can somebody just drown the members in a bathtub?
The universe is offering some small consolation by way of an upcoming JESUS LIZARD reunion, but it's just not enough — no band are as good as Creed are shitty. Further consolation comes from recently still alive drummer TRAVIS BARKER, who flatly denied rumors that a BLINK-182 reunion is in the works. Thank heaven.
Elsewhere, DAMON ALBARN confirms that the original BLUR line-up will be getting back together for some rehearsals next year. I'm furrowing my brow over here in a strenuous attempt to care. I think that became impossible around the time Damon Albarn wrote an opera about monkeys.
Reunited boybanders TAKE THAT hit the top of the UK charts this week, with their comeback album, The Circus, selling an impressive 125,000 copies. That still doesn't measure up to Britney Spears's "true comeback" album, Circus, which is on track to sell as many as 400,000. And both fall short of the 1998 Kiss comeback album, Psycho Circus, which has sold over half a million to date.
Most exciting music headline of the week, courtesy of Uncut magazine: "Ask GRAHAM NASH!" Oh God, so many questions. So many questions for Graham Nash.
GUNS N' ROSES' lawyers are getting pissy with Dr Pepper over the unpalatable beverage giant's promise it would give every American a free sodie pop if Chinese Democracy were released in 2008 (which it were). Dr Pepper got a little cute with the terms, offering a coupon on its Web site for one day only, and many thirsty Americans were left parched — especially since the site kept crashing, so that it was impossible to download the coupon. Laurie Soriano, a lawyer for the band, felt that the snafu reflected poorly on her wards. "When you go on the blogs and you read the responses from the fans, they associated Axl with this promotion . . . and blame him for the fact that they didn't get their free soda," she told CNN. "The door to a lawsuit being filed is always open until the fans are taken care of and Dr Pepper has done the right thing."
I can see why she'd be outraged. If there's one thing Axl Rose would never, ever do in a million years, it's disappoint his fans.