And speaking of assault: what the bleep does LIL WAYNE think he's doing? If you don't know why I'm asking, you haven't heard "Prom Queen" yet, or gotten wind of his plan to release a "rock" album despite his comical and proven inability to sing or play the guitar. I love Weezy as a rapper, and I honestly thought he'd built up enough good will that I'd be willing to entertain a few more of his weirdo dalliances, but 30 seconds into "Prom Queen" I was ready to sit down and reconsider the entire half-decade history of his merit and maybe even apply the horror of his "new direction" retrospectively and conclude that he'd always, since day one, been the worst artist in the history of popular music.

But, yikes, being the only guy alive who's still capable of going platinum, he's probably surrounded by an impenetrable wall of yes men who will never, ever point out to him that the correlation between being a great rapper and being a great rocker is about as strong as the one between being a great electrician and being a great figure skater.

Thanks to the arcane workings of the Internet and the adorably childlike credulity of the media, it's become really easy to pretend to be KANYE WEST and get tons of press with false claims. In the past few months, he's had his Twitter, MySpace, and G-mail accounts hacked, with phony posts dissing Stephen Colbert and claiming to be up for some bi-sexual porno action. "Please, I beg you," blogged Kanye on his official site, "give me a break! Please! Let me be great!" Gee, seeing him all worked up like that makes me feel a little bad for doing this, but . . .

Hello, I'm Kanye West. I have to wear a rubber vest under my suits because I lactate. My favorite meal is eating mustard right from the jar, with a comb. I've just signed on to edit the sixth-edition Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual. I'm quitting music to become a murderer.

Let's see how long it takes for one of those items to trickle unchecked into the gossip column of a major newspaper!

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Related: Review: Kanye West | 808s and Heartbreak, Jay-Z + Kanye West | Watch the Throne, The Bigmouth strikes again, More more >
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