MTV.com is one of my favorites, because it'll report events so insignificant that no other news source would bother. Its headlines tend toward the literal and inane:

"ASHLEE SIMPSON-WENTZ 'SO EXCITED' ABOUT 'MELROSE PLACE' " | No linguistic trickery with this one, it's just unusually dense with abomination. If it doesn't creep your nards up into your body cavity a little bit, you're either female or totally fucking hopeless.

"USHER, AKON, AND MORE HONOR YOUNG PEOPLE AT THE DO SOMETHING AWARDS" | The Do Something Awards? Sheesh, I know we're kinda lame, but are we really setting the bar this low for participation in society?

"JOE JONAS EXPLAINS WHY HE DID 'SINGLE LADIES' " | I thought this kid was supposed to be celibate, but at least he's not doing married ladies.

DAVID THORPE |dthorpe@phx.com

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