Plan B

By AL DIAMON  |  June 9, 2010

A few weeks ago, Republican Les Otten’s campaign sent a petition to qualify for the ballot to Portland City Hall. It was blank except for one signature, which was found to be invalid. The delivery cost $12. Otten would make a great commissioner of finance. In a Democratic administration.

If Portland voters approve the charter change to create an elected mayor, Democrat Steve Rowe would be perfect for the job. If not, he could always put on the bear suit from his TV spots and do kids’ birthday parties (“Now that you’re five, Jimmy, here’s what you need to know about health-care reform”).

Republican Peter Mills is so smart he’ll have no problem finding suitable employment (“Hey, Rowe, got another bear costume?”). But if the GOP takes control of the Legislature, he can replace his sister as attorney general.

Republican Steve Abbott really knows how to run a campaign — if the candidate is US Senator Susan Collins. He should get busy planning her next one.

If Libby Mitchell failed to capture the Democratic nomination, that makes her a three-time loser. Under federal law, she’d get life in prison. But state law is even stricter: Go back to her hometown of Vassalboro and become the court-appointed lawyer for the guy accused of burning down the topless coffee shop.

Republican Paul LePage has been a competent general manager of Marden’s Surplus & Salvage and an adequate mayor of Waterville. Apparently, neither job requires much racial sensitivity (from the WCSH-TV debate: “Foxcroft Academy . . . brought the math scores way up because they bring kids from Asia”) or a firm position on civil unions for same-sex couples.

Job offers and other comments may be e-mailed to aldiamon@herniahill.net.

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