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Gay Tea Party Witch Sex: Three tales of erotic political fiction

Hot, throbbing election special: Palin/O'Donnell, Kerry/Brown, and Stewart/Cooper/Maddow
By PHOENIX EDITORIAL STAFF  |  November 1, 2010

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EVERYONE'S GAY FOR STEPHEN COLBERT

One evening, Anderson Cooper, Jon Stewart, and Rachel Maddow got kidnapped by aliens.

We want to see how you Earth people have sex, the aliens said. (They didn't actually speak English — it was more of a telepathic thing.)

Jon raised his eyebrows at the other two pundits. They looked away. "This always happens," Anderson muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Excuse me," Rachel said. "You want us to do what now?"

Show us how you mate, the aliens repeated. You are all highly regarded among your own people. Also, you work for cable news so we know you have no shame. We felt you'd be the ones to ask.

"Is this, like, for science?" Rachel asked. "Because I could just FedEx you a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves."

The aliens shrugged. No, it's not really for science, they said. We're just really bored. And if you refuse, we'll destroy your planet.

"Look," Jon tried, "as intimidating as that is — and okay, it's pretty fucking intimidating — I have to tell you: we are, like, the last three people you would want to watch having sex."

The aliens fribbled their tentacles at him in derision. Why is that?

"Well, for one thing," Rachel said, "I'm a lesbian. And Anderson's — uh . . ."

"Not interested in casual sex," Anderson said firmly.

"Right," said Rachel. "And even if he was, Stewart is straight."

"Um," Jon said. "There was this one time Colbert and I got really drunk."

"Okay, Stewart is bi when he's drunk," Rachel amended.

"And when it's with Colbert. And only oral."

"Okay, he's queer for Colbert," Rachel said. "Who isn't? So really, this won't work."

It is a pity, the aliens said sadly. One of them stretched a tentacle towards a red button marked DEATH FROM ABOVE.

There was an expectant pause. Jon looked at Rachel and raised an eyebrow. She frowned and looked at Anderson.

"Well," Anderson said. "I guess we can give it a try."

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