Linc's greenskeeping

By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  December 1, 2010

In a recent appearance on NBC's Today, Cantor displayed the GOP's patented straight-shooting, transparent style when he failed to give even one direct answer to questions being posed to him by that hard-hitting investigative political reporter, Matt Lauer. Yes, even the peacock network's a.m. puppethead was appalled at his total evasion.

It is bad enough we will have to endure the shoe polish-laden hair of Representative Boner, but to see this skullhead with a frozen, insincere smile standing beside him will be nothing short of disgusting. Buckle up tight and blindfold yourselves, darlings, it's going to be a gruesome ride.


THE MEAN STREETS OF ASIA

P+J feel that it is necessary to caution devoted readers of the Cool, Cool World about a very dangerous practice that your superior correspondents have fallen into, lest you spend many a sleepless night in the grip of terror. We are talking about the nightmares and disturbing thoughts that easily leak into one's brain when falling asleep listening to the BBC overnight news on WRNI, the Biggest Little's NPR station.

We cannot tell you how many times Phillipe or Jorge has dashed down the tiled corridor to the water closet to park a "Technicolor yawn" (to spew chunks, chunder, bark at the porcelain) when a demonic sound bite (e.g., something involving the voice of Mitch McConnell) is played. And if one continues to sleep and McConnell's scary talk coaxes a nightmare, said nightmare is sure to recur because the BBC repeats segments every couple of hours on its overnight service.

Last week Jorge had a particularly bad night, falling asleep to reports on the ongoing tensions between North and South Korea. Somehow the resulting bad dream became enmeshed with imagery from Martin Scorsese's 1973 classic Mean Streets. In the dream, North Korea was represented by Johnny Boy (Robert De Niro), an irresponsible, possibly moronic punk who is liberally spreading his irresponsibility all over town. His childhood friend is China, played by Charlie (Harvey Keitel), who has been covering up for North Korea's bad behavior — loyal to his erratic friend, but starting to get a little sick of the act. China is also avoiding doing anything about North Korea because he's too busy collecting loan shark debts from the United States of America.

South Korea, or Michael (Richard Romanus), is really pissed because he is the one who keeps getting burned by North Korea's irresponsible behavior and . . . well, you can see how this thing is starting to drive Jorge over the edge especially when it appears that the US of A has morphed into Teresa (Amy Robinson), Johnny Boy's epileptic cousin who is having a clandestine affair with Charlie.

Jorge feared that the whole episode would reach its denouement with Phillipe, sick of J.'s moaning, slapping him awake and calling him a "mook," but, lucky for all concerned at Casa Diablo, it didn't turn out that way. Instead, Jorge merely dabbed his moistened brow and, with P. in tow, danced down to breakfast to the tune of "Mickey's Monkey."


SO LONG, SHIRLEY

A very heartfelt "so long" to the wonderful actor Leslie Nielsen. Old dogs that P+J are, we first saw Nielsen in 1959 when he starred in the Swamp Fox mini-series for Disney, playing the title role, Revolutionary War hero Francis Marion. (In the wake of the Davy Crockett phenomenon, Disney created a number of these action-adventure mini-series. Does anyone else remember Tom Tryon as Texas John Slaughter or Robert Loggia as Elfego Baca?)

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