Desk job

Duck and cover redux; the best Congress money can buy; the Cabrals to the rescue!
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  December 22, 2010

Phillipe and Jorge believe it was thoughtful during this holiday season for the US government to clue in the Great Unwashed on how to survive a possible nuclear bomb strike. Their message, as reported by the New York Times on December 15: "Do not flee. Get inside any stable building and don't come out till officials say it's safe."

Gosh, P+J were ready to set up the chaise lounges, get out our Foster Grant sunglasses, and simply enjoy the spectacle — much like those lucky enough to witness the first A-bomb tests at Los Alamos, only with chilled tall glasses of Pernod and grapefruit at hand.

You can get a great tan this way and create a bit of art, too — your shadow seared onto the walls of the nearest building, provided it remains standing. At worst you get a full-body epidermal defoliating, which is all the rage in Beverly Hills — only the stars' treatments don't usually expose bone.

"A nuclear blast produces a blinding flash, burning heat and crushing wind. The fireball and mushroom cloud carry radioactive particles upward, and the wind sends them near and far," explains the Times. Popping into your local watering hole to wait this minor inconvenience out while watching ESPN on the wide screen should be a snap!

We will miss the equally well-informed and surefire training offered in P+J's childhood days — that of crawling underneath your desk at school when you hear the wail of the air raid siren. We were told to wait there until those imperious, all-knowing "officials" gave us the all-clear, which left us with this question: if those "officials" were strutting around with their whistles, armbands and clipboards, rather than taking cover under a desk, wouldn't they be incinerated?

Next on the government's how-to help list for Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Public: How to avoid being hit head-on by a speeding train when standing in the middle of the tracks. (Just move a step to the side, silly, then it will only be a glancing blow! Some people . . . .)


NUMBER CRUNCHING, HEAD SLAPPING

While P+J are trying to be jolly during the Christmas season — donning our party-ready red Speedos with white fur trim and mistletoe provocatively pinned to the front, just above our wedding tackle — here's a real Xmas buzz kill from the Center for Responsive Politics.

A survey by the Center, based on 2009 data, has provided a quick way to judge whose interests are best served in Congress: yours or the wealthiest of Americans.

To wit:

• 261 of 535 members of Congress are millionaires (without even reporting their homes as assets)

• Median wealth of representatives was $911,000

• Median wealth of senators was $2.38 million

• Median household income was $50,000

Happy holidays, Merry Christmas, bend over and please use the servant's entrance, you whining proles. (Thanks to Andrew Trees of the LA Times for jumping on this first.)


DOOMED RELATIONSHIP

There is a crisis that has thoroughly alarmed Phillipe and Jorge and many of our friends. The favorite relative of Peter Parker (aka Spider-Man), his widowed Aunt Mae, who helped raise him, has accepted the wedding proposal of mutant arch villain Melvin the Mole Man in the cartoon strip's recent storyline. Surely this should and can be stopped. US Supreme Court, are you listening? Society is crumbling before our eyes.

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