But your suspicions about who controls the media are confirmed: "Everybody from the senior staff is accounted for," the editor says. Got tzu danken! I'm surprised the Left Behind authors didn't have the editorial staff gather into a circle and start the hora.
So I'll be right here, covering the new administrations of Massachusetts Governor Steve Grossman and Boston Mayor Mike Ross.
I'm also planning to spend a lot of time up in New Hampshire, reporting on the newly wide-open Democratic presidential primary. My early rankings: 1) Al Franken, 2) Chuck Schumer, 3) Bernie Sanders, 4) Joe Lieberman, 5) Natalie Portman.
Unless, of course, it turns out Barack Obama really is a secret Muslim.
We should actually hope so, because there is currently no non-Christian in any office along the constitutional line of presidential succession. Shouldn't there always be one, just in case, the same way they make one Cabinet member stay home for the State of the Union?
It's not all going to be fun and games in the post-Rapture era. For one thing, if you think China's kicking America's ass now, wait until they outnumber us 100-to-1.
And of course, not all Christians are checking out this weekend. Jesus is taking up the good ones, but plenty of you will fail to make the cut.
Running into one of you Christ-rejects is going to be a little awkward, frankly, knowing there's something Biblically wrong with you. Personally, I'm not one to judge — hey, if it does turn out that the homosexuals are no-gos, that's whose parties I'll probably be at.
But at least with the sodomites, like the Jews, everyone will know why they're still around. The rest of you, we'll all be wondering. (And don't try to pass as Jewish — we can tell.)
At some point, we Jews all have to take up arms to do battle against one another. (Muslims, lucky bastards, get to skip that unpleasant duty, thanks to the loophole of not existing when Revelation was written.)
As I understand it, we Jews will split up, recruited into either the army of God or the army of the Antichrist. Having read Left Behind Part 12: Glorious Appearing, I know that one side fares very poorly, but I don't want to tip my hand about a preference. I'm hoping to play God and the Antichrist against each other, to bid up the signing bonus for my allegiance.
In fact, I've got a letter in to Ari Emanuel (the real-life Ari Gold from Entourage), asking if he'll represent me in the negotiations. Hey, we Jews may be damned to Hell, but we're not stupid.
And if it turns out the Bible-prophecy interpreters are wrong about the Rapture, and you Christians are all still around after Saturday — hey, I'm just kidding: I love the Christians! This article is just a little joke — have a sense of humor, for Christ's sake.
>> READ: more rapture articles in the May 20, 2011 issue of the Boston Phoenix <<
David S. Bernstein can be reached at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter: @dbernstein.