But I've come up with a way for all five to win. Two of them need to run together as one entry, the way Flaherty and SAM YOON ran for mayor as "Floon." After a scientific assessment of all the possible name combinations, the Phoenix has determined that FELIX ARROYO and AYANNA PRESSLEY will run together as "Ayoyo."
There's one other political body facing a similar mismatch between members and seats — the GOVERNOR'S COUNCIL. There are currently eight elected members, which is slightly more than the consensus agreement about the proper number: zero.
The unlucky losers in those games of musical chairs can join out-of-work pols like CHARLIE BAKER, KARYN POLITO, GUY GLODIS, and others who mistakenly thought that widespread anger and disgust with the Democratic establishment meant that anyone other than establishment-approved Democratic insiders could get elected in this state.
They can all spend their free time perusing the recently penned best-sellers of our state's successful statewide campaigners. Or, in the case of Governor DEVAL PATRICK's memoir, they can read it now, between the dinner and dessert courses.
Who would have thought that it took three years and $1.35 million to write such a slim volume? Actually, as I understand it, Patrick's book was much longer, and more comprehensive, when he originally submitted it — but DeLeo and SENATE PRESIDENT THERESE MURRAY got hold of it. Like everything else he sends to them, barely anything of the original survived.
Patrick even had to intervene at the last minute, to take out an added chapter that described him as a child joyfully playing the slot machines at his local race track. Who put that in there? Geez, it really is true: the casino debate affects everything in Massachusetts politics.
Patrick has said that he will spend a lot of his second term travelling — mostly in furtherance of the most important issue facing the commonwealth: mocking the previous governor.
That would be serial presidential candidate MITT ROMNEY, who enjoys the authorial process so much that he wrote his latest book twice — the original 2010 hardcover, and then a new, more Tea Party–friendly version that came out this year.
There's also a book out from Romney's protégé, US Senator SCOTT BROWN — hey, where did all the Democrats go when I mentioned that name? Holy smoke, Massachusetts Democrats are terrified of this guy.
But as I was saying, Brown seems to have been studying linguistics under Professor Romney. You may recall that Romney once gave a dissertation on the multiple interpretations of the word "saw" in the phrase "I saw my father march with Martin Luther King Jr."
Similarly, Brown recently had to explain how clicking on a Facebook hoax meant that he "saw" classified pictures of a dead Osama bin Laden.
Now the esteemed senator has claimed that when he said he would vote "for" the Republican budget that ends Medicare as we know it, he didn't mean "for" in the sense of "in favor of." He meant it in the sense of voting "on" the bill. And according to this week's further clarification, "for" turns out to be a synonym for "against."
I think what really happened is he got duped by a hoax version of the budget he saw on a Web site. I'll tell you, if Brown's penis isn't at least two inches longer by next week, he's not going to believe the Internet about anything anymore. Hey-yo!
Well, I see that the US Senator dick jokes are making JOHN KERRY squirm, so I think it's time for me to go. See you next year!
To read the "Talking Politics" blog, go to thePhoenix.com/talkingpolitics. David S. Bernstein can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.