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OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

Benjamin, the face-biting primate pariah of Greene County, New York, has finally been laid to rest. After biting the face of a woman — who was allegedly just trying to take his picture — at a Catskills bed and breakfast, Benjamin evaded the authorities and headed south to Florida. However, Benjamin's owner, Allen Hirsch, thought ahead and set the criminal capuchin up with lodgings at Jungle Friends, the premier location for fugitive pets. In what was most likely a calculated attempt to get the sympathy vote, Benjamin was diagnosed with cancer and lived out his remaining days eating his fill of cooked vegetables and getting massages. Benjamin even got rid of his owner, Mr. Hirsch, who fled to Venezuela and stayed there. How's that for a life on the run? Eat your heart out, Whitey.

Read the rest of the Monkey Issue at thephoenix.com/monkey.

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