WHY GRAMMAR MATTERS This from the Urinal on the Justin Bieber paternity suit: "She said she gave birth to the boy because there were no other possible men she had sex with at the time." P&J have always considered the Bieb a "possible" man, and we are glad to see that thinking validated.

P&J'S I.T. HELP Since the Patriot Act was put in place, P&J have taken a certain comfort in knowing that if you ever forget the passwords for any of your electronic devices, all you have to do is call the FBI; they have them on hand for all of us. Social Security and credit card numbers, too! Woo-woo!

ROLE MODELS Frank Bruni, the breathtakingly inadequate replacement for Frank Rich in the New York Times' revamped Sunday Review section (and don't get P&J started on that train wreck, either, darling) suggests that Kim Kardashian's short-lived sham marriage may be fruitful in one respect: it could encourage support for legalizing gay nuptials. After all, the phony wedding and instant-rice divorce between a moron athlete and a lard-assed pseudo-celeb — who deserved a Tod Browning movie more than an E! TV reality skin-crawler — is a poster child for what hetero marriage is becoming.

SHALLOW POCKETS It is noted that the Rhode Island Republican House caucus now has a PAC set up thanks to House Minority Leader Brian Newberry. It has a grand total of $2500 in it. Might P&J suggest to Representative Newberry that if you want to be taken seriously, it would help to have more in your PAC than Speaker Gordon Fox normally has in his pocket?

RIP, MATTY Mourning in crouched stances at Casa Diablo over the death of former National League batting champ Matty Alou, one of our favorite hitters to watch as 'utes. Take two strikes and slap a single to left for us in heaven, Matty.

ROOT FOR GOOD OLD CATATONIC STATE! Daniel Marsh, president of Boston University, quoted in 1950: "If the television craze continues with the present level of programs, we are destined to have a nation of morons." We made it, Dan!

MIXED MESSAGE AWARDUnguarded, the ESPN documentary on Fall River boy-wonder hoopster Chris Herren — who struggled with alcohol, heroin, and you name it, but has made a comeback and now lives happily in Portsmouth — is a must-see. But may we suggest that allowing Jack Daniel's to sponsor the broadcast and running sleeping pill ads during the show might have been somewhat inappropriate? Oh, that's right, they paid good money for the spots. Sorry, our bad.


HOW ABOUT A LICENSE "TOKILL"?

Careful, Little Rhody's reputation as the vanity plate capital of the US may be in jeopardy.

Harper's Index (via Funny Times) notes that the amount paid at a Texas auction for a license plate reading "FREEDOM" was $2500. Another, with the word "AMERICA," came in at $3000. Rise up and salute the (Italian) flag, you patriotic crackers: a Texas plate with "FERRARI" on it went to the highest bidder for $15,000.

Well, we'll always have the $25K low-numbered plates.

Meanwhile, P&J have always thought that the Biggest Little has missed a trick by allowing no more than six letters on vanity plates. After all, "ASSHOLE" would do quite well here.


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