Welcome to the 2012 Republican Party caucus for the town of East Abunni, Maine. As you know, we're not convening our caucus within the restrictive time limits set by the state party, because the citizens of East Abunni have never liked being ordered around by one-world-government types. Besides, holding a caucus in early February conflicts with our celebration of Christmas.
The first item on the agenda that was prepared by our executive committee, which consists of me and two other civic-minded citizens — who couldn't be here today because they were killed in a tragic fireworks-related accident during the Fourth of July celebration last November — is a resolution, which I'll read.
"Resolved, that the Republican caucus of East Abunni calls upon the GOP state committee to take action against party chairman Charlie Webster by having him drawn and quartered for the following offenses:
"Failing to include the aforementioned town's presidential straw poll results in his statewide total due to the lame excuse that we hadn't held our caucus yet.
"Announcing questionable straw poll results that favored Mitt Romney, a known Democrat, over Ron Paul, an acknowledged whackjob, and Rick Santorum, a hysterical campaigner against birth control, abortion, and sex between consenting adults.
"Attempting to excuse his many faults by pointing out how he recruited excellent candidates for the party in the last election, developed a solid strategy for winning legislative seats and raised loads of money to pay for campaigns, as if any of that were more important than compiling complete and satisfactory results of a nonbinding poll of party extremists, most of whom have never been to a caucus before and are doubtful participants in any such future event, because they don't like being told they have to be at a certain place at a certain time, particularly if it interferes with Mother's Day."
All those in favor? It's unanimous.
Next up is the selection of delegates to the state convention, which is scheduled for May and may conflict with local observances of Veterans Day and the Stay-The-Course-In-Vietnam Rally. So if you aren't willing to pass up those events, please don't nominate yourself.
As in past years, East Abunni's delegate count has been apportioned based on the number of registered Republicans per capita, which works in our favor this time around. All eight people in town are card-carrying members of the GOP, ever since those Republicans In Name Only moved to Bangor to be nearer their own kind. You know, the ones with "Re-elect Olympia Snowe" bumper-stickers who'd been overheard speaking favorably of Eisenhower and Lincoln.
Probably relatives of Charlie Webster's.
Anyway, that means we qualify for one-half of a delegate.
Two years ago, we sent Perley Chumbucket to the convention, but he was only credentialed from the waist down, so he had to lie in the doorway of the Portland Expo with his upper half out in the rain. Perley's still sore about that and said he wasn't going to be a candidate for the job in 2012.
Also, we need half an alternate delegate. If it was the same person as the half delegate, the two halves might be able to sneak onto the convention floor together. Unless they're both bottoms.