Phillipe and Jorge would suggest that anyone in Vo Dilun's First Congressional District with a stock of empty milk cartons to stand on or telephone books to sit on get in contact with the campaign offices of David "Little Chi-Chi" Cicilline and Antknee Gemma toot sweet.
Whoever emerges victorious in the battle of the two Ryan Seacrest-proportioned Democrats is going to need a literal boost when he starts publicly debating the GOP's Brendan Doherty, who is 6'4" easy.
With Doherty towering over them, the Democrats — sitting in high chairs restrained by safety straps during heated televised exchanges — are not likely to score many points with voters.
Why so concerned with appearances? Well, it is clear the great unwashed are concerned — first and foremost — with whose suit is shinier and whether the tie chosen looks like it has some panache, or is a "worn only once" David Letterman fashion fiasco.
Let us digress for a moment and regale our dear readers with a couple of relevant anecdotes.
When Michael Dukakis was the Democratic presidential nominee in 1988, Save The Bay had him in as guest speaker at its annual meeting. Because P. was in charge of logistics and coddling petulant politicians at the time, he had to deal with Mikey's staff prior to the major event at the Goat Island Sheraton hotel, which would draw more than 1000 people.
The Duke's advance team came to town the day before to see the set-up, and were in a tizzy over the speaking platform, fearful that their diminutive boss would end up looking like a child peeking over a wall if the podium was too high.
Phillipe calmed them down with assurances that the podium had well served Save The Bay's executive director, Trudy Coxe, all of about 5'5", in past years. They should not worry, he suggested, about Mikey having to wear elevator shoes for the occasion.
With the feathers temporarily unruffled, all the good will went out the window in a split-second when an exasperated P. said snarkily, "At least we aren't having him stand in a tank wearing an oversized helmet," which proved to be less of a yucks producer among the appalled Dukakis team than it did with the Save The Bay staff present.
The second yarn is about phonebooks and one of the most famous typos in Little Rhody history. When a new phonebook came out in the early '90s, P&J filed it away for easy reference on a shelf in the Boom Boom Room at Casa Diablo.
Somewhat bored watching a rerun of Designing Women one evening, as was our wont, we gazed at the book nearby and noticed that the spine read not "Providence and Vicinity," but "Providence and Vinicity." Ba-boom! As in, "Yo, Vinnie, d'joo get the numbah of that hot piece of ass at Shootah's last night?"
Well, you can't make it up, as they say, and this printed gaffe became a target of talk radio for days. Vinicity: the Honorable Vinny "Pazmanian Devil" Pazienza, Mayor.
Where the hell were we? Oh yeah, Brendan Doherty and the Munchkins. P&J believe that any wise shoe store will immediately begin stocking up on retro platform shoes, as we are sure to see a tidal wave of demand for stacked heels in the First District, with Messrs. Chi-Chi and Antknee hitting the campaign trail, wobbling just a little bit at the outset until they get their disco sea legs.