Got no plans

By AL DIAMON  |  May 23, 2012

"Not at all, Beau. Plenty of legislators in my party want to fatten up welfare recipients' checks, but almost none of them have the guts to vote for higher taxes. If we take back the Legislature this year, we're planning to use the same method of balancing the budget that we used for the previous four decades.

"We're going to hope money falls from the sky."

So let me get this straight, Bond. The Democrats are no longer the party of tax and spend? Now, they're just the party of spend?

"You've got it, Beau. We'll spend on roads. We'll spend on health care. We'll spend on schools. We'll even spend to bring back the mural that used to be in the Department of Labor lobby. And it won't cost the taxpayers an extra dime."

But, Bond, that's impossible.

"Oh, Beau, that's so irrelevant. What's important to remember is we're not LePage. So, the public can be assured we won't be wandering around saying stupid things. We know how to behave in public, even if we don't know squat about balancing budgets."

Surely, Bond, you Democrats must have some idea how you'll make up the millions in shortfalls that'll result from all your spending.

"Well, Beau, I guess I can tell you. We're going to be making major bucks off a little project we're operating through the Maine State Housing Authority involving illicit dealings in the futures market for garden gnomes. And if that doesn't work, we'll just keep reminding folks that we're not Paul LePage."

I'd like to ask more questions, Bond, but I'm being told to cut it short because we've just learned there's a dog in Skowhegan that can dance like Justin Bieber and has even better hair. We're switching over for a live report from entertainment correspondent Jooniper Gloots.

Damn, another newscast with no stories about Sasquatch. File complaints at

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