NOTHING LIKE A DAME Can the Massacre save us from summer sports ennui?
The Bruins have been on vacation for a month, the NBA Finals have started without us, the Sox are playing .500 ball, and the Patriots aren't even in pads yet. It's enough to drive a man to something drastic: like watching European soccer. Or else finding some more deserving enterprise on which to place a dumb sports bet.
Luckily, we've got a world-class athletic confrontation coming up this week: Massachusetts's only sanctioned flat-track squad, the Boston Derby Dames, will be rolling out their A-team, the Boston Massacre, to challenge the Maine Port Authorities on Saturday.
So here's our bet: if the hometown team is victorious, Phoenix editor-in-chief Carly Carioli will force Portland Phoenix editor Jeff Inglis to consume a Boylston Street favorite, the Poe Burger: lobster, foie gras, and black truffle stuffed into a beef patty topped with whiskey bacon, avocado, and Irish whiskey cheese. "Jeff, the bad news is that you will probably keel over of a heart attack after you eat this," Carioli said. "But you'll go out with a smile on your face. Just like the Maine team after being run over by our girl Ivanna Shankabitch."
"Our crushers do their conditioning workouts training amid the snowdrifts of Maine winters, and, if my sources are correct, lubricate their skates with moose grease," said Inglis. "Boston doesn't stand a chance."
If Maine wins, Carioli will eat a wasabi lobster roll from Bite Into Maine, the food cart at Maine's iconic Portland Head Light.
Boston Derby Dames | Saturday, June 16 at Shriners Auditorium, 99 Fordham Rd, Wilmington | tix $16, $12 for kids | doors at 4 pm, first match at 5 pm | bostonderbydames.com