Phillipe and Jorge have never understood what happened to Mark "The Big Pink One" Patinkin, whose embarrassing column for desperate housewives is still allowed to appear in The Urinal.

At one point, Patinkin was a very good, crusading journalist. Then he morphed into Ward Cleaver, a vanilla pudding cup without gonads, a purveyor of the sort of bullet-item trash that only our old pal Bill Reynolds can get away with because he is actually good.

P&J can only imagine how furious other BeloJo writers are that Patinkin gets paid handsomely to stay at home and whip up his fluff when they actually have to deal with the great unwashed and write real stories.

Perhaps it's for the best that he remains at his own abode, as Pinky might have a tough time sauntering through the newsroom on Fountain Street without getting a knife in the chest after these two enlightened nuggets from The Beaver's Dad in his June 19 epistle.

"Do women sew anymore?"

(Just your lower lip to your forehead, Pinky.)

"Most men I know can't even walk down the feminine hygiene aisle at the drugstore. It's just too awkward."

(P&J would have a clever comment here but are so aghast all we can offer is, "Whaaat!!!?" Sorry, girls, Neanderthal lives. And God forbid you might have natural functions.)

Pinky, we hardly knew ye.


OFF WITH THEIR HEADS

As Phillipe and Jorge used to say during the von Bülow trial, "They're all guilty!"

After the unimaginably faith-crushing, bullshit-swallowing Studio 38 fiasco, for which Vo Dilunduhs will be on the hook for years, The Don Carcieri, Keith Stokes, Teresa Paiva Weed and, most deplorably, Gordon Fox, the little wetlicker who runs the government, should be committing seppuku if they have any honor at all.

Instead, The Don and Stokes are not returning phone calls. And Paiva Weed and Fox are hoping that a bright summer will give their constituents amnesia come November.

The Fox tie-in to this Schilling shitstorm is particularly suspicious: his friend Michael Corso, who played a key role in bringing 38 Studios to Rhode Island, just happens to own the building that houses Fox boyfriend Marcus LaFond's hair salon.

We normally dasn't use this phrase, out of deference to our superior friends, but we Vo Dilunduhs just got bent over and drilled. If Gordo's constituents have any sense of justice at all, this sleazy little piece of lubrication will never see Smith Hill again.

(But of course he will. Just kiss us when you're done, right?)


FAST BALLS

Let's get this straight: We, the US taxpayers, paid $3 million dollars to lose a case against Roger Clemens, who was accused of lying to Congress, a bunch of congenital liars who couldn't tell you the truth if you asked any one of them if the sun came up in the east. Time for a shower, Jack, Chi-Chi, Sheldon, and Jim. You must be quite proud.


CLASSES FOR YOUNG ACTORS

Here's a great idea for budding actors and actresses ages nine to 14. The Roots Cultural Center is offering a two-week summer youth acting workshop for "beginners and young performers." It will run July 9-12 and July 16-19 with the workshops conducted by acting pro and teacher Gwen Maynard, a graduate of Smith College who also studied at the American Conservatory Theatre in San Francisco and Trinity College, Oxford, England.

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