When meat packer (no jokes, please) Hormel recently acquired Skippy peanut butter, Phillipe and Jorge could only think of one person: Elvis!

Now, if Hormel can go for the trifecta, buying up the Chiquita banana franchise, the company will be in a position to offer up The King's favorite food in a neat little package — fried bacon, peanut butter, and banana sandwiches. (P&J might have suggested snatching up the Aunt Jemima label to secure a cook for same, but our exquisite taste prohibits us from recommending that.)


CELEBRITY ROUND-UP

Could there be two more hideous people, more deserving of each other, than Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? Especially now that the fat-arsed faux celebrity and terminally obnoxious mini-talent have announced they are having a baby together?

P&J were delighted to hear that since Kim and her pawn of an attention-gathering husband, Kris Humphries, have yet to legally divorce, California law recognizes Humphries as the presumed father of the baby.

Kris appears more than ready to keep the creepy Kardashian on the hook, at least until she returns the $2 million engagement ring he gave her, before their sham, 72-day, made-for-reality-TV marriage. Love blooms eternal.

On the major network front, it appears that NBC execs are keeping the tranquilizer dart gun loaded in the wake of Donald Trump's lunatic ravings during the presidential campaign — just in case the world's biggest ego goes off the rails again.

Every time P&J mention The Donald, we are obliged to repeat a joke told during a Friars Club roast of the man: "How do you get a hairdo like Donald Trump's? Before the barber starts cutting, tell him, 'Oh, did I mention I fucked your daughter?' "

You're welcome.


GOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

It is always a treat to observe jerks putting bullets in their feet, especially when they are members of the GOP (Grumpy Old Protestants). Even more so when you get three shootings in a row, as was the case in a January 6 article in the New York Times about the dysfunction and division in the Republican Party following the bogus "fiscal cliff" crisis.

As to the Republicans' patent distaste for queers and lesbians and their same-sex marriage cause, none other than the former House Speaker Newt Gingrich had this observation: "Walking around and pretending it doesn't exist just means you're going to become irrelevant."

Oingo-boingo! Perhaps the most irrelevant man on the planet accuses others of being out-of-touch bozos. Run for prez again, Newt, you philandering, pompous a-hole.

Next up, Governor Mitch Daniels of Indiana, set to become president of Purdue University this week (good luck kids!): "Republicans will get their mojo back when they define themselves as the party of economic growth and upward mobility."

The use of "mojo" and "Republicans" in the same sentence is like pairing "classy" and "Britney Spears." Sorry, does not compute.

Finally, this from Reince Priebus, Republican National Committee chairman, a man with a name more hoity-toity than the NRA's Wayne LaPierre: "If there's one conclusion that's going to come out of this process, it's that we have to be much more granular in our approach to partners in the community like African-Americans, Hispanics and Asians."

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