Phillipe and Jorge have conducted an extensive investigation into Pope Benny Andajets' decision to resign from his exalted post, and we've discovered that the first Catholic pontiff to bail since the 1400s has done so for one reason and one reason only: he has a pisser pension deal he wants to cash in on.
Evidently Pope Benny's pension will pay him a million euros annually, with benefits including Swiss Guard therapeutic massage and red shoe replacement for life. We've also learned he's been shopping for a McMansion in one of Donald Trump's gated, West Palm Beach retirement communities.
But it turns out the Vatican's financial chief, Gino Raimondonoyouwont, is challenging the pension scam. He accuses Pope Benny of an unholy trinity: His Holiness, it seems, is already collecting a pension from the College of Cardinals (nancyboys.com) and his home parish in Germany, Hitlerputz, both under the alias of Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger.
'The Vatican is facing tough financial times," said Raimondonoyouwont. "Do you know how much a mitre costs these days? Plus, the hourly rate for pool and cabana boys just went up by 50 percent, and you can imagine how much that is going to cost us with all these guys we've forced out still hanging around in their apartments." The fiscal watchdog did not name any names, but said, "Bernard Law will know who I am talking about."
The Pope has employed the law firm of Jenu, Flect & Down to defend his right to the pension deal he cut when he took the job. His personal attorney, Neil Down, and Down's paralegal, Ben Dover, will represent him.
Said Down, "There is plenty of precedent in religious circles for this type of pension arrangement. People forget that Jesus himself created the first union pension fund for Apostles #13 Local, and they even paid out to Judas when he retired. And the Son of God's extended family benefits allowed Mary Magdalene to live out her life in comfort before dying peacefully at Calvary Hill Nursing Home at age 92."
When P&J contacted Pope Benny at the Vatican, he would only say, "I'll be buggered if I know why they won't give me the money I was guaranteed."
HELP FROM ABOVE
The best headline of the Blizzard of 2013 comes from the February 12 edition of the Urinal: "Salty brine clears R.I. roads."
We don't know if a copy editor typed up this header to win a newsroom bet, but P&J loved it. We imagine the late Salty Brine, the radio legend who made "Schools closed, Foster-Glocester!" a classic line, is keeping an eye on The Biggest Little, wherever he is. And he surely appreciated the tip of the hat.
Add an "arf" from Jeff as well. And if you don't know who Salty Brine and Jeff are, we're not going to help you. But at least you've got some youth on your venerable columnists.
A MEDITATION ON THE STATION
If you saw Karen Lee Ziner's gripping and powerful story in Sunday's BeloJo or the cover of this week's Phoenix, you know that February 20 marks 10 years since The Station nightclub fire, one of the worst tragedies in recent Rhode Island history.