On Tuesday, the city of Portland revealed a new "branding campaign" slogan that Mayor Michael Brennan said would "put Portland on the map."

Here's the slogan, which, thank god, we didn't pay for: "Portland, Maine. Yes. Life's good here."

We wonder, on what map, exactly, are we being placed? The map of inanity? The map of truncated sentences? Definitely the map of jargon: the effort is being called a "brand system."

In a press release, city spokeswoman Nicole Clegg pointed out that "several local businesses were invited to see how the brand system could be adapted for various stakeholders." The city's creative team, led by David Puelle, presented placards specific to several local businesses including: "Portland. Yes. Coffee's good here," "Portland. Yes. Baseball's good here," "Portland. Yes. Apothecary's good here," "Portland. Yes. Printing's good here," and "Portland. Yes. Art's good here."

Printing's good here?! Seriously? And "apothecary" isn't even a thing that can be good; it's a type of store.

We've seen some other ideas. Andrew Doody offered: "Portland, Maine, where any visit longer than 120 minutes can be taken care of at portlandparkingtickets.com." TheBeerBabe.com: "Portland, Maine: Brewing Community" accompanied by "a picture of a hop and a coffee bean." We're left thinking, "Portland, Maine. Ugh. Slogans are shitty here."

Curiously, the design team for this blah verbiage is citing provocative and groundbreaking erotica author John Preston, "both a prolific writer and a leader in the city's civil and gay rights movement," as inspiration. "He expressed his affection [for the city] in an essay entitled 'Portland, Maine: Life's Good Here,' which he concludes with an answer to a common refrain asking when he would leave Portland to which he responded, 'No. Life's good here.'"

In the spirit of collaboration (cooperation's good here!), we came up with some alternate branding suggestions for the city to consider. Feel free to send your suggestions to dfulton@phx.com.

•Portland, Maine. Yes. Life's good here. No, no connection with the Life is Good brand sold on Fore Street.

•Portland, Maine. Excuse me. Do you have the time? Or mayhaps the temperature?

•Portland, Maine. Yes. That's the name of this city and state. You are in the right place.

•Portland, Maine. Yes. Depression's real here (for at least five months of the year).

•Portland, Maine. Yes. Snow-shoveling's good here.

•Portland, Maine. Yes. Life's good here. Why? Are you implying that it wouldn't be for some reason?

•Portland, Maine. Indeed. Hotel development's good here.

•Portland, Maine. Ayuh. Heard a' lobstah?

•Portland, Maine. Yes. Punctuation's good here.

•Portland, Maine. Yes. We love dogs! Dogs're good here.

•Potland, Maine. No. Not quite yet. But soon!

Portland, Maine. Yes. Gay bars are mediocre here.

Portland, Maine. Yes. That's how you spell it.

Portland, Maine. Yes. Life's good here. No, no connection with the Nas album.

Portland, Maine. Yeah. PBR's good here.

Portland, Maine. Uh huh. Have you heard of clam chowder?!?!?!

Portland, Maine. Yes. We eat food.

•Portland, Maine. Yes. Brooklyn's good here.

•Portland, Oregon. Nope. Not us.

•Portland, Maine. Oh. Please don't judge us by our "brand system."

•Portland, Maine. What? Another fucking snow ban?

•Portland, Maine. Affirmative. Panhandling's good here.

•Portland, Maine. Yes. Underemployment's good here.

But based on the results of this slogan mess, perhaps the most truthful is this:

•Portland, Maine. Um. Creativity's good here. We swear.

 

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