Have had back or neck problems, T-3 vertebrae out often, or awoken with an unusual stiffness in any part of the body.

Have had chronic sinusitis or nasal problems.

Have had electronics around you go haywire or oddly malfunction with no explanation (such as street lights going out as you walk under them,   TVs and radios affected as you move close, etc.). That’s some Poltergeist shit, yo.

Have seen a hooded figure in or near your   home, especially next to your bed. Maybe George Zimmerman didn’t fear black men — just aliens.

Have an unusual fear of doctors or tend to avoid medical treatment.

Have frequent or sporadic headaches, especially in the sinus, behind one eye, or in one ear.

Have the feeling that you are going crazy for even thinking about these sorts of things.

Have been prone to compulsive or addictive behavior.

Have channeled telepathic messages from extraterrestrials. Well, that seems like a slam-dunk indicator.

Have simply heard an external voice in your head, speaking to you, perhaps instructing or guiding you.

Have been afraid of your closet, now or as a child.

Have had sexual or relationship problems (such as an odd “feeling” that you must not become involved in a relationship because it would interfere with “something”). “I’ve been abducted by aliens” goes over a lot better than  “I have commitment issues.” 

Have to sleep against the wall or must sleep with your bed against a wall. Coming soon from Random House: Feng Shui for Abductees.

Have a difficult time trusting other people, especially authority figures. Hey revolutionaries,  perhaps the enemy isn’t corporate fat cats, but aliens . . . Occupy Mars!

Have had dreams of destruction or catastrophe.

Have the feeling that you are not supposed to talk about these things, or that you should not talk about them.

Have tried to resolve these types of problems with little or no success.

Have many of these traits but can’t remember anything about an abduction or alien encounter.

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