House hunting

Some realty tips for Gordon Fox; less credit, mo' problems; getting powdered
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  April 23, 2014

It looks like former Rhode Island House Speaker, Rep. Gordon Fox, is in the market for a new domicile, as news arrived this week that he has put his East Side crib on the market.

Gordo has already announced he won’t be running for re-election for his District 4 seat in the House, and he appears to have already taken an early retirement, not bothering to show his face at Halitosis Hall in the month since the feds and state police raided his office, and, in doing so, essentially leaving his constituents without representation at the State House. Classy move. But we guess it’s all about you these days, Gordo. Thanks for the memories.

Now, Phillipe and Jorge are not realtors, but we could play them on TV if you give us the yellow blazers. As such, we can point out that as Fox begins his pursuit of new digs, one possibility looms large on the horizon. It is known as the Big House, not be confused with a McMansion. (Note: A learned, crime-savvy friend of P&J’s once told us, “The words you never want to read on a document are ‘The US Government versus [your name here].’”)

The Big House has much to offer. A cozy 10’x10’ combination living room, den, and bathroom, with a commode and sink done
in a fashionable stainless steel. As a special bonus, all utilities are included. An experienced chef is on the premises who prepares breakfast, lunch, and dinner. A common dining area features elegant “plastique” utensils, which we’re told are now the rage in Europe, especially in similar Crimean fine dining facilities. The walls are done in a soft-spoken gray, adorned in some cases with highly prized primitive artwork harkening back to early historic cave renderings and graphic elements depicting certain parts of the human body, no doubt inspired by the nude works of the greatest artists of all time.

The neighbors are wonderful, and always open to making new friends. A bit boisterous, but eager to share their conversations and opinions long into the night in spirited exchanges, with bawdy taunts and promises to engage their neighbors further if they get them alone for one-on-one conversations.

P&J hope that Gordo has the patience to wait until federal officials can ensure the availability of the Big House before making any other real estate purchase. We’re sure that this new home offer is one that simply can’t be refused.

Moody blues

Phillipe and Jorge know virtually nothing about high finance, other than that half the slithering reptiles at the top of the Wall Street food chain should be in prison by now. But we do know enough to recognize that when Moody’s Investors Services — which all investment bankers and hedge fund manager scum rely on for advice — puts the hard word on your state’s fiscal stability, you’d better pay damn close attention.

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