Sorry, I can't come

In Layman's Terms
By DANA FADEL  |  May 8, 2014

“I have never had a sexual partner that could make me climax. The sensation is always so close...yet it never happens; I always need to end up completing myself. There is always frustration when it is my turn and has led to many arguments and feelings of low self-esteem in my partners that want to be the one to make me climax. At this point in life, having been dealing with this for about 15 years, it has become exceedingly frustrating for me, something that I now bring up before the initial sexual encounter. It has led me to actively abstain from any personal connections or promising encounters out of the feeling of shame. Trying to figure it out. What do you think the answer is?” _T.M.

“He’s choosing the wrong women. He’s not comfortable enough to get to that point. He’s got to get over all that anxiety. It could be he knows that’s going on, so when he does try to be sexual, he knows he’s not going to come. It’s anxiety, he has to have a different approach. Somebody must have hurt him enough to make him feel he’s not good enough. He got hurt so much that he feels like he can’t satisfy her. All these reasons play into it, and once you go into a sexual relationship thinking that way, its never going to happen.” _Julie, 42, management, + Trish, 53, buyer, interviewed outside of Mathew’s

“I assume there’s a lot of anxiety between the two of them. Especially if she knows that she’s trying to be ‘the one,’ so they’re both trying to shoot for that. [Climaxing] is an important part, and maybe the best part, but the climax is not everything. [Sex] shouldn’t always be about trying to get to the end, but more about enjoying in the meantime.” _Tim, 27, grocery store worker, interviewed on the Eastern Prom

“So he’s trying to ‘climb the mountain’ with a female partner? Satisfaction with sex depends on many things. When I have sex with my wife, I try to not think about [my] job...I have sex with the person. Sex is about chemistry. I’m the kind of man who needs to know [a person]. I need to have a drink with you, I need to go hang out with you. I need to know what your personality is, what you like or don’t like before having sex. Like with my wife, I feel really comfortable having sex. He probably needs to find the right woman, and someone who will accept him for who he is.” _Marko, 36, senior security specialist,
interviewed at the Portland Public Library

Pro’s advice: “I believe we are responsible for our own pleasure and our own orgasm. How we decide to share our pleasure and complete surrender with others can bring up old patterns/habits and old wounds. I would invite you to take a look at some of the areas in your life where there may be potential blocks to letting go into sharing your pleasure with a partner. A mindful self-pleasure practice done over time produces enormous neurological benefit and assists with body regulation, getting attuned with others, having emotional balance, calming fear, gaining insight and empathy, being moral or ethical in our thinking and our actions, and having more access to our intuition. When there is consistent mindful self-pleasure at play, we pay attention to our alertness during our erotic sessions. Regular practice over time expands and strengthens connections between neurons and creates new neurons. The more practice we get, the more ingrained the neural pathways become, supporting our practice.” _Isaiah, 45, somatic sexologist + relationship and intimacy coach (wakingeros.com)

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