Porn and Loneliness

 In Layman's Terms
By DANA FADEL  |  July 7, 2014

“It seems like a lot of pornography involves men treating women rather unkindly (bossed around, put in uncomfortable or painful situations, etc.).  So presumably a lot of nice guys are looking at not-too-nice porn. Do you think that is the case, and why do you think they enjoy it?” _BD

“It’s a control issue. That’s what they like about it. That’s my guess. It’s like a power trip. In today’s world, I think men feel like they need to be control in the bedroom and that’s the way things work, but in reality, it don’t work that way. [Porn] is very sadistic, like a soap opera for sex addicts. A lot of men, even married men, buy porn because they don’t get that roleplay at home, so they feel they need it from somewhere. _Jessica, 34, manager, interviewed at Lookin’ Good Laundromat  

“They usually have pornos where [men] are always dominating, but that’s not how sex goes. If you really want to please a woman, you don’t just jackrabbit, hammer it in. You have to build it up, you have to be sensual and intimate with her. And porn really does a bad job of showing the intimacy. You can like, tell, if you watch enough porn, you can definitely tell it’s just all acting. It’s kinda funny and sad at the same time, when people try to have sex based off porn. It’s just unrealistic.” _Jared, 21, in the Navy, interviewed at Federal Spice

 “I was sleeping with this guy for a few months, and we clearly didn’t have a future together. I ended it partially for that reason, but also because I wanted a deeper connection with someone. However, we built up this deep intimacy and connection in the bedroom that’s left me feeling lonely at night. What are some strategies or ideas to help get me to stop feeling like I want to call him again?”_FD

“Been there! Find somebody else to sleep with, perhaps. You should find yourself as a person, you should have your own interests and shouldn’t have to feel validated by a relationship. It doesn’t mean she has to go and sleep around with all kinds of people, but just to explore herself and her sexuality would be really good for her.” _Aubrey, 23, server, interviewed on Cumberland Ave.

“I find this really funny because a lot of my friends right now are going the Tinder route. Tinder will waste your life for three weeks before you realize how horrible it is. If you’re looking for that ‘get laid quick’ route, I guess that’s what you’d want. If she wasn’t getting the emotional part and that part failed, she’s gonna have to find someone else.” _Brendan, 32, connoisseur, interviewed at Salvage BBQ

“I’ve got an off-the-wall suggestion: she can visualize what she wants in a boyfriend and try to attract that for herself. That’s my advice. Imagine what you want, but also, be who you are fully. And when you’re not looking for it, that’s when it happens. When you can fully be yourself and then you really do know what you want, that’s when you’re more apt to attract what you want. Visualizing what you want is absolutely part of that.” _Lee, 49, catalyst, and Anthony, 52, guidance, interviewed at Rivalries
 
My advice: To quote Douglas Coupland, “The time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life’s cruelest irony.”  Loneliness is a tough place to be in, but it’s also an important time to figure out who you are and what you want. Use your feelings of loneliness to your advantage: be more productive, hang out with different groups of friends, or better yet, become better acquainted with yourself.

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