Hey, all you Maine Republicans wallowing in self-pity, after losing the election:
Snap out of it.
You’re so busy being depressed over, once again, getting your posteriors pounded in races for the state Legislature that you missed the good news.
Let me spell it out for you, using small words (or, where that’s not possible, providing simple explanations). In a biennium (that means “two years”), the Democrats (you know, “evil liberals”), who now control the Maine House of Representatives, will be so vulnerable (“bunch of losers”) that even incompetent boobs (“conservatives”) such as yourselves will be able to beat them (ha ha, that is what is called a “joke”).
No, really. The Democrats will be in big trouble in 2008. Not just because they won’t have come up with a plan to reform (“raise”) taxes. Not just because the Maine Department of Health and Human Services will continue to be a political quagmire from which there appears to be no escape (look in the encyclopedia under “Iraq”). Not just because they’ll still be balancing the state budget using gimmicks, such as selling Oxford County to New Hampshire (wait a minute, that’s not a bad idea).
In ’08, the Dems will be struggling to survive because of the twin curses of term limits and a scarcity of leaders (translation into Republican: too few people like General Joshua Chamberlain, too many people like House GOP campaign architect Joshua Tardy).
Let’s do the math (I promise there won’t be any algebra).
In 2006, the GOP had more than twice as many House members termed out as the Dems (13 Rs to just 6 Ds — it’s more than twice, because if you divide the ... oh, never mind). Although exact figures aren’t yet available (“I’m too lazy to look them up”), it’s obvious (“so simple even people who don’t believe in evolution can figure it out”) that lots of those open Republican seats changed hands and contributed to the Democrats’ House majority.
In 2008, the roles will be reversed, only more so. The donkey party (it’s a clever way of saying “Democrat,”) will have as many as 14 representatives headed for term-limit oblivion (it’s a clever way of saying “can’t run again”), while the pachyderm (it’s a clever way of saying big land mammal, sort of like Dennis Hastert only not so ugly) party will have a maximum of four.
Not only that, but among those Dems being evicted will be up to seven committee chairs (“people who have kissed the speaker of the House’s butt a lot”) as well as the likely next speaker of the House (“a person with a butt that has a healthy glow as a result of frequent kissing”).
That’s not the end of the Democrats’ dilemma (“problem thingie”). Under normal circumstances (“no good jobs, lots of high taxes”), the responsibility for finding replacements for those departing Dems would fall to the party’s majority leader (“best butt kisser of them all”). The majority leader does this because, in return, grateful party members (“jealous peasants”) will reward all that hard work by electing him or her as speaker.
